'DEAR
T&A I WANT TO BE MORE TO FRIENDS THAN MY DIAGNOSIS'Send letters to:
Post: Tokunbo and Alfred, Positive Nation, UKC, 250 Kennington Lane, London
SE11 5RD
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heading
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Dear Tokunbo and Alfred, I was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I’m 99 per cent certain that I was infected in summer 2000. The news was devastating. I also lost my job the same week (unrelated) and tested for suspected TB. All in all, it was a head spinning three month period. I decided to tell only a few close friends, who were sworn to secrecy. I eventually got a new job and tried to lead a normal life, trying to remain positive. Work is the only place I feel I can be my old self. Nobody knows my status, and I’m outgoing, good for a laugh and involved. Out of work it’s a different matter. I have gained at least 35 pounds since my diagnosis, through staying at home and having no social life, and I mean absolutely no social life. Some weekends I don’t even leave the house. I have become more and more detached from the people that I haven’t told. I don’t even call many of my old friends anymore, as I’ve ran out of excuses why I can’t see them and consequently, they’ve stopped calling me. I feel that I want to be more to friends than my diagnosis, but I’m doing nothing to change my self inflicted isolation. I’ve always been an optimistic person looking forward to the future and planning ahead. However, now I find when I try to focus on me, eat healthily and get down the gym, all I see is a future of medication and side effects and think ‘what’s the point’. ‘ Positively anonymous’ |
Greetings Anonymous,
Facing the unknown is frightening for every human being, so your caution in moving on is a normal reaction.
I’d call what you are doing ‘seclusion’ rather than isolation. It has provided a protective blanket for you while you come to terms with your diagnosis.
Look at what you’ve already achieved. You have embarked on new work and made new friendships through that. All the steps you have taken since your diagnosis show that you are able to take control of your circumstances.
I see no sign that it should be different in relation to your HIV status. You have already told your closest friends about it. But I’m wondering if you ever had an opportunity to discuss your status in any real detail with them, how you feel and how afraid you are.
It may be that friends want to be supportive but feel sensitive about opening a conversation about it. So no conversation takes place. What would happen if you opened up the conversation? The significant thing to remember is people will respond to you as you choose to define yourself.
I sense that you would also benefit heaps from exploring issues with people in a group setting.
It may help to remind yourself how you overcame similar crises in the past.
Visualise a time in your life when you had to overcome a situation and achieved
happiness. What gave you the strength to do it? How did you feel once you
had come through it? Focus on all the resources you have used in the past,
and
you will truly amaze yourself at what you can achieve.
Keep on doing what you are doing.
Tokunbo
Dear Anonymous,
A positive diagnosis is a huge deal for most of us, and can take a long time to come to terms with. You need a while to settle down and to recall that you are more than ‘just HIV’.
We are still the same people as we were before diagnosis, even though in other ways things will never be the same. I think you’re just taking your time to realise that you are going to live, that plans can be made and, to put it simply, that life goes on.
This settling down time often takes a while. It sounds to me like you are ready to reach out and start your life again as ‘you’, but as a ‘positive you’. Your writing this letter is one sign for me that you are ready.
Now whether that ‘positive you’ is going to be positive or not is the question - and yes, it can feel very ironic to be told to ‘be positive’!
It sounds to me like you are ready to make steps towards renewing old friends and also towards making new ones.
There are groups where newly positive people can share their experiences. I am running one at PACE for gay men (020 7700 1323) called Positively Speaking in February. There are similar groups for heterosexual people in places like LEAN (020 8519 9545, Positive Place (020 8694 9988) and THT (0845 122 1200). It is generally good to talk things through with other positive people and hear their experiences.
You sound like you are on the right track, take it easy and go well.
Alfred
