‘TO
SMOKE OR NOT TO SMOKE...’Positive Voices contributor ‘JT’ (reluctantly) kicks the deadly weed
That is the question. As a committed smoker of more years than I care to admit, who is currently going through the throes of trying to give up, it has caused me considerable soul-searching as to why I’m even putting myself through this.
When I was diagnosed I never expected to be here 10 years later, and I have to confess a thread of that negativity still runs through any projections for the future. It’s as if my life is a ride in a stolen car and sooner or later I know a ‘stinger’ is going to be thrown across the road.
Without my status, I guess I would be hoping for another 20 to 25 years, maybe less, maybe more. But put the virus into the equation and reason and logic start to purse their lips. I’d hate my last thought to be: “Bugger it, I might as well have smoked!”
My original decision had been not only to ‘clean up my act’ because also giving up would cause me to gain some much-needed weight. However I now get the impression that while that will happen (in fact it started immediately) it isn’t going to be put it on in the places where I want. I now worry that I may turn into a stick insect with a paunch.
And oh, the ghastly withdrawal symptoms! Nausea, faintness, mood swings, irritability, sleepless nights, nightmares as the efavirenz sees an opportunity to come out to play. All have left me wondering what’s the point.
The truth is, I actually liked smoking.
Of course there’s absolutely no sensible rationale in this. But I can’t
believe I’m alone, as I get the impression that more positives (sorry
but I hate the word ‘pozzy’) smoke than average.
I’ve tried patches but learned that they’re not the innocent
little things I thought. I have a suspicion they interacted with my combination
therapy
since I went decidedly peculiar for a while. I got extremely depressed.
I also had sleep problems and vivid dreams (Susan Hampshire complaining about
me growing
onions in her dressing room - what was that all about?) Truly terrifying
nightmares followed (though sans Susan) and the expected nerves in tatters
(my advice
is to carry a large machete around with you, then everyone knows where
they stand).
I hear good things about Zyban as an effective smoking antidote, but my GP didn’t seem too keen as apparently you can come down with a bump at the end of the course.
In an ideal world, hypnotherapy would be the answer; an elderly man with a thick Eastern European accent, pince-nez and a goatee would stare into your eyes, swing a watch in front of your face and that would be that. Never another thought for the evil weed. But of course life isn’t like that.
Well, whatever the motivation and the effects, at 3pm today (at the time of writing this), I concluded week four without a cigarette (he says smugly). But it’s been one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Do I feel better? Well, yes I can breathe easier and deeper again. I probably don’t snore (though there’s no one to know). Sense of smell is improved. And walking doesn’t seem so leaden.
On the downside, time hangs heavier. As nearly all my friends smoke, I avoided contact, which has made me feel quite isolated.
And when it comes to smoking it’s not just cigarettes I miss. Until four weeks ago a spliff with “Coronation Street” convinced me it was a fly-on-the-wall documentary - another of life’s illusions shattered.
I’m still not out of the woods. Will I succeed? I don’t know. I almost don’t care. Yes, having got this far I really don’t relish the idea of having to go through it again.
And sure, the extra cash is not to be sniffed at.
But more than this it’s about feeling in command of at least something in my body and making an effect in one aspect of my life. Even if I fail, it’s reminded me what ‘potential’ means on a personal level.
So good luck to me and good luck to anyone else who wants to try. I started this piece with the thought, ‘Why do it?’ Maybe the answer’s as trite as the advert strapline: ‘Because you’re worth it’.
(Pass me the sickbag - I can’t believe I just wrote that!)
See also ‘Quit Smoking’
