'DEPRESSED
BY MY BOYFRIEND’S DIAGNOSIS'Send letters to:
Post: Tokunbo and Alfred, Positive Nation, UKC, 250 Kennington Lane, London
SE11 5RD
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Dear Tokunbo and Alfred, My boyfriend tested HIV positive in January after I pushed him to get a test. I tested negative. The past months have been hard for us and I am not sure how to support him. I am not even sure if I still love him or whether I feel sorry for him. I respect him for telling me as he could have lied and we would have gone on to have unprotected sex, as I want a child. Now he is in denial because he won’t read the material from the clinic or from the Terrence Higgins Trust. I do the reading, but find it hard to talk to him about his condition in case I appear to be reminding him he is positive. I now find myself overworking because I would rather be at work than with him. All he does is moan and I feel depressed by it all. He is not on medication because his CD4 count is quite high and he looks well. Please help. MEL |
Dear Mel,
I am concerned about you and wonder where you are getting your support? Your boyfriend’s diagnosis has been a huge shock and you are, not surprisingly, worrying about him. He seems to be managing but it will probably take time to sink in. He is well and it sounds like you have been great at getting the information, so it is there if and when he wants to look at it. Meanwhile, he probably does not need to deal with all your concerns too, especially if he doesn’t want to face things head on at present.
I think ‘denial’ can be useful. Why not think of it as his way of coping rather than going to pieces. He’ll find out what he needs to know when he is ready. People are different; some don’t want masses of medical information (I am like this) while others, find it helpful to look at the www.aidsmap.com website day and night.
Lighten up and let him do it his way and meanwhile sort out how you feel. You need to find yourself someone to talk to, perhaps a sexual health counsellor, to help you think through how this is affecting you and your relationship. Positive people have so many places to get support, yet supporters, like yourself, are often neglected because you don’t have the virus and yet really do need a space where you can sort out how it all affects you and your relationship.
Go well. Alfred
Dear Mel
I sense urgency in your situation and that you’re anxious for your partner to understand your emotions. Communication appears a big issue as you both appear to have turned in on yourselves. You spend less time together and this may be a trigger for his depression and mood swings. His mood makes you feel unable to communicate with him and you both end up in your own torment.
Your partner’s torment may be due to his newly diagnosed status. He maybe angry at being with a partner who is HIV negative, or for other reasons. You cannot know, and you will only misinterpret if you just guess. It’s important one of you opens the door and creates space and opportunity for progress. Time, patience and openness are essential.
When personally involved with someone going through diagnosis or illness,
we become drained, impatient and boundaries blur. It’s important you share
your feelings and speak your mind. You may decide to stay with your partner,
or be there for him in a different role.
Why not set time aside to discuss HIV and its impact on your relationship?
Your partner may want to be ‘involved’ with you in a different
way. Let the respect you feel for your partner, for telling you about his status,
continue to ‘flow through’ your conversations. Your partner’s
depression may be a direct consequence of how he has interpreted your response.
Think back to a time when you had your own crisis. How did you get through
it? Sometimes we underestimate our strengths. Think about what support you
would want if you were in your partner’s shoes. Finally, don’t
forget this is period of readjustment for you as a couple and as individuals.
All the best on your journey.
Peace. Tokunbo
SHAKA sexual health service for persons infected and affected by HIV/AIDS in the African, Caribbean and Asian community: 0207 735 6477.
