Dear Tokunbo and Alfred,
My partner and I tested positive last year. We have been together five years
and always had a full and active sex life. But since getting our test results,
sex has become boring and dull. I know itıs shallow to base my feelings about
our relationship on the quality of sex weıre having, but I do love sex, and
I also love my partner. Could it be because of our diagnoses? How do we get
over this and return to how things were. Because I need more, I am starting
to think of looking elsewhere to fulfill my needs. Please can you help, as
the situation is getting me down causing a lot of stress between us. I am
starting to feel rejected by my partner and he knows there is something wrong,
but when we talk about it, he seems to think there is nothing the matter with
the sex we are having.
anonymous
Hi, You need to talk to your partner. Does he know how you want things
to be different? What will turn you on; do you know and does your partner?
Needs change over time. You need to start trying to share what is going on
in your heads, be that about HIV or sex. It means being specific and not talking
in generalisations. You canıt expect your partner to second-guess what you
mean by, for example, fulfillingı sex. Iım left wondering what sort of relationship
and sex life you are looking for? Would you be in this situation if you had
not been diagnosed? What do you feel about being diagnosed? One way out might
be to look elsewhere for sex and perhaps a new relationship. Or, you could
develop an open relationship with your partner. Many gay men and some heterosexuals
successfully negotiate this type of relationship. After five years a relationship
can fall into a set pattern and you may need a helping hand. Couple counselling
might help to bring about the changes you want. And donıt underestimate the
effect of the HIV diagnosis on both of you. Good luck.
Alfred
Hello
Thank you so much for your letter which raised a number of questions. What
has kept you and your partner together for five years? What brought you together
in the first place? The reality is that something has changed within your
relationship that has affected you spiritually, emotionally, psychologically
and sexually. There is a saying, what is visible is emptyı. Perhaps you should
ask how you need fulfilling? Your partner might also feel unfulfilled. And
if you fulfilled your needs elsewhere, what impact would it have on your relationship?
Sex is a way of communicating your needs and your vulnerability. It is a way
to share and express what is not expressed
verbally. But there are other ways to communicate emotions and feelings towards
each other and perhaps you should ease yourselves into the new situation you
both find yourselves in. This moment will pass, but there will be other moments
like these that will require readjustments from the both of you. Look at the
qualities you admire and like in your partner. Look at what you are offering
to your partner and what you are receiving. Encourage your partner to do likewise.
Try and understand what love means to you both. Re-visit your dreams and aspirations
for your relationship. In the meantime, I bid peace on your journey.
Tokunbo
Useful contacts:
THT counselling with Red Admiral Counselling for people living with HIV, their
family, friends, partners and carers. Counselling may be available in languages
other than English.020 7835 1495 l PACE.
PACE Project For Advocacy, Counselling & Education. Counselling, advocacy
and advice for and by lesbians and gay men. Counselling may be available in
languages other than English. 020 7700 1323 Email: info@pacehealth.org.uk
Website: www.pacehealth.org.uk
Also ask your HIV clinic if the hospital provides any specialist advice services
on sexual health and relationships for people with HIV.
Send letters to:
Post: Tokunbo and Alfred,
Positive Nation, UKC, 250 Kennington Lane,
London, SE11 5RD
Email: editor@positivenation.co.uk
with 'Tokunbo and Alfred' in the subject heading
Online: Log on to the UKC 'Positive Voices' discussion board at www.ukcoalition.org/discus/ and look for the 'Tokunbo and Alfred' thread
