Daniel Storer: new columnist
I have a question for all you readers. Is honesty really your best policy? But before you think too hard about that, let me introduce myself. I am a 30 year old gay man who also happens to HIV positive. That’s it. I’ve said it, in black and white. I have said it to the world, the cook, the thief, his wife and the lover. Ah yes, the Lover. That’s where things get interesting.
Not that I have never had one. My god, in my youth I was fighting them off with a stick. I’ve had one serious eight-year relationship. Okay, for the last two-and-a-half we were estranged/in denial, but now, after therapy, I’m ready to form new bonds, to seek out new life, to boldly go where no gay man has gone before. Actually scratch that last bit. I don’t think there is anywhere a gay man ain’t gone before.
I am currently single. Admittedly, I don’t put myself out there enough and I work and live in a straight bubble. Most of my friends are straight (although some are just plain confused) but very gay-friendly and I like it: it’s safe and warm and everyone knows my status. Maybe I’ve been lucky but I have never lost a straight friend because I’m positive (because I’m two-faced, back-stabbing, sulky, immature maybe, but this column isn’t about that). In the early ‘Gay Plague’ days I lost a lot of gay friends over it. But the ones I have left from those times are like diamonds.
So back to the question: Is honesty always your best policy? I go out from time to time with gay friends on the scene and occasionally a fella may take my eye. So what do I do? Instead of approaching them with a cheesy off-the-cuff remark (I’m not even going to try one on you lot) I end up staring from afar, making them slightly paranoid, or worse, making them think that I wanna he-man bitch slap ‘em. 
So why don’t I just go over and chat to them? Have confidence, I hear you say. But believe me, it’s not confidence I lack - I have that by the truckload - I can’t because I don’t want them to find out about my HIV status and reject me before they even get to know me.
Why, I hear you ask, do they have to know? After all, I am safe when I have sex so shouldn’t that be enough? Well that’s my point - is it enough? Should we have the right to keep something like being HIV positive a secret from a potential lover? I know some people that have had (unsafe) sex without giving the other person an opportunity decide for themselves. Personally, I think that’s wrong. But it probably happened like that to a lot of you reading this. So, if you knew that person was positive and they knew what they were doing, would you still have gone ahead and done it? That’s my predicament. What happens when, and if, you end up falling in love with someone after you have had sex with them and then they find out you’re positive? How would they feel? Cheated? Used? Scared? Maybe even disgusted? After all, condoms are safe, but not 100 per cent.
A while back I met a guy on the internet. We spoke for about three months before we met up and amazingly he looked just like his picture. He was cool, I thought, it felt good and we both wanted to consummate our blossoming relationship. Picture the scene: three o’clock in the morning, fresh bed linen, candles - you know the score. But before the clinch came the clincher. “Before we go any further, I think there is something you should know...” Suffice to say he freaked. In fact his last remark, as he slammed the door and left my house, was: “How could I ever feel proud of you?” It has stuck with me ever since and haunts me now. So these days, when a good-looking man catches my eye, the first thing that pops into my mind is: should I reveal my status? I guess I will always tell the truth because the man (or woman) of your dreams is just around the corner and what is a relationship without trust and honesty?
So, rather than a solution, I return to the original question (and would love to know what you think). But, at least with you I will never have to do the ‘Before-we-go-any-further-there’s-something-I-have-to-tell-you’ routine because now you know.
PS. I suppose a date is out of the question?
dannydoodle74@hotmail.com
