Dear Tokunbo and Alfred,
I have been positive for about six years now and am comfortable with my diagnosis. I have supportive friends and family and am generally happy with my life, but I feel that something is missing: a boyfriend. I don’t have a problem meeting people but when it comes to telling them I am positive, I bottle out. I have even ended some potentially promising relationships before they start just so I don’t have to broach the subject. On the few occasions I have managed to say the dreaded words things have always ended up fizzling out soon afterwards, which just makes it harder. I live in a city with quite a small gay scene that can be quite bitchy and don’t want everyone knowing my business. I’m tired of being alone but don’t know how to get over my fear. Any advice?
MICKY, BIRMINGHAM
Dear Micky,
It seems to me you are doing very well. Many of us find it takes a long time after diagnosis to begin to meet people. You need to think about what happens to you after those first dates and when thoughts about disclosure come up. Some people tell straight away. They think along the lines: if the person can’t take it, then they were no good anyway. This of course is hard for many of us who are positive, because we fear rejection.
How was your history of deepening relationships before diagnosis? It isn’t always easy to accept that sometimes there are issues other than HIV status that can get compounded by our diagnosis that need sorting. Many find that after the honeymoon period, it is hard to sustain relationships, when the differences start to appear; he likes to eat with the TV on, you don’t, you like sex in the morning and he likes it at night and so on. It can be a painful, but potentially rewarding, process working out your differences in a relationship rather than giving up.
Of course, finding an HIV positive person would sort the self-disclosure part (see PN small ads and online) but you would still have to tackle the relationship-deepening part. Sometimes we need additional help to keep relationships together - perhaps close friends or even a counsellor, so when the going gets tough we get support rather than running off feeling bad at another failure. Good luck
Alfred
Hello Micky,
I am always intrigued by the use of words that people use. You state that you feel something is missing in your life: a boyfriend.
I am curious about when last you had a boyfriend, and what type of relationship it was? If you were to ‘have a boyfriend’ now, how would that change your lifestyle? What would a boyfriend give you that you are unable to give yourself? What have you to offer him? What are your expectations of a relationship? Is it to fill voids or to complement each other? Is it co-dependency or independence?
A fulfilling relationship is rarely one that makes you ‘whole’; it is one that reiterates the growth that you have experienced within your life. It is a relationship whereby two whole souls meet and complement each other. If you have something missing in your life, delve deeper than the ‘missing boyfriend’. He may not fulfil you completely. It seems you are still resolving issues as regards your HIV status. Until then, you will continue to step away from potentially promising relationships.
I am curious whether the issue you wish to resolve is having a relationship or finding ‘approval’ in relation to your HIV status.
Tokunbo
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