‘REMOTE CONTROL GRANDPA’This is something I never imagined, well not for a while yet. My son has become a father after ‘decking’ a fellow youngster, hence my new title.
The news brought both happiness and health concerns. Happiness, because the arrival of babies is always welcome, as they are innocent; and concern, because I guessed that for my son to impregnate a woman, he must have ‘tasted’ a few girls before. I also blame myself because we live thousands of miles apart and it hasn’t been easy to adequately supervise and monitor my children by remote control.
Many of us are separated from our loved ones not because we want to be, but because circumstances do not allow. As a parent I miss coming home after work and talking to my kids about my day and helping them with their homework.
Quite a number of people raise their children among the children of their sisters and brothers. This is some form of temporary adoption and, if you are unlucky, the person living abroad can feel unnecessary stress. Unfortunately, other family members who look after your children do not see it that way. All they think is that all is well in the UK.
This separation between children and parents is so painful that I often see parents crying and blaming themselves. I have experienced it first hand as a single parent with four children by different mothers. It is not easy to raise children this way as there is a lot of concern and unnecessary suspicions from the people looking after your kids. For those lucky to have their parents alive, kids are usually safe in the hands of their grandparents. But even then not entirely because other surrounding relatives can constantly harass and bully these children.
With one of my children, whose mother is deceased, I take on the duel role of mother and father and this is no easy task. I try to provide as much as I can and offer guidance and support over the phone. This can never be equated to physically being there. I often worry about my kids going astray and becoming rebellious. A child’s development is every parent’s nightmare, but even more so when you are separated.
Despite all the worries and troubles I have discovered that communication is the best tool in raising children. As parents we need to constantly talk to our children and offer hope while at the same time asking them to be responsible and do their best at school, college and university.
Reports from people about your children looking good and behaving are quite fulfilling. With all this going on, kids living abroad often ask ‘Daddy, when are you coming back’ or ‘when we are joining you?’ The answer is usually ‘soon.’
For those of you like me with children abroad, continue being strong. We are better off living longer than not being there at all. This can be achieved by trying to lead a stress-free life with HIV. Most of the time, people should listen to positive news rather than the negative. Even our children can be misleading. The can easily alarm you and mess up your day by saying “so and so did this to me” or “the whole day I haven’t eaten anything because the fridge is empty”. They do this to attract attention. For me, I find it justifiable because everyday in their lives they see other children loved, cared for and pampered but not them, because their parents do not live with them. When it reaches this stage, you have to be careful that people do not perceive you as a bad influence over your children. As a parent, you need to calm the kids and not breathe fire in their minds to challenge their guardians because the repercussions might affect the whole care set up.
My advice: only call your children when it’s really necessary otherwise you end up gathering information you don’t really want to hear. And try to do things within your limits and not be pressured by events and competition from others.
Interestingly, I recently met a serious and organised man at a barbeque who informed me he sends his three children to school in Africa and that they only come here for holidays and shopping. This lifted my spirits and made me feel I was not the only one with this children issue.
Simon will be taking a break from PN for the next few months.
simwenda@aol.com
