Dear Tokunbo and Alfred,
I don’t know if I am the only one who has this problem, but it is starting to cause me a lot of worry and confusion. I have been with my current boyfriend for about a year now and we get on well. He is HIV negative and I am positive. I am on HIV therapy and have an undetectable viral load. Since the start of our relationship I have tried to make sure we practise safe sex. But he keeps suggesting we have sex without condoms. In fact, the few times we have had unprotected sex it has been at his suggestion. When he asks me this I just feel torn apart. Obviously I enjoy sex without condoms but don’t want to give him HIV. But I worry that if I refuse, he will leave me for someone else. What should I do?
Carol
Dear Carol,
This is such a difficult issue for a surprising number of people (straight and gay)
because logically it doesn’t make much sense. Who would want to infect another person, and what negative person would want to be infected? This ‘problem’ isn’t logical. I would say to you: think about what it is you really want, and talk this through with him. My worry about unprotected sex is, of course, the same as yours - how will you feel if he becomes infected?
Or do you feel it is his responsibility as he knows you are HIV positive? But could you live with this? These are difficult questions which can’t be easily answered in a few lines. Another angle would be do you want to be involved with someone, who after really talking it through with him, does not respect your wish to continue protected sex? Many people do yearn for the intimacy they get from unprotected sex and drift into it almost by accident. They do it once and it happens again and then the negative partner gets infected. However, some people have found other ways of getting this contact through massage, having a child or deepening the relationship, for example. My suggestion is that you both get down to a health adviser or counsellor and start talking it through with someone there to help you both during this difficult time.
Alfred
Hello Carol,
Your letter is a real dilemma faced by a number of people. Your relationship appears to have evolved around your health status and that of your boyfriend. He is HIV negative and you are HIV positive.
I would like you to take some time and sit with yourself and ‘revisit’ the reasons you chose to form a relationship; what attracted you both to each other? What qualities do you both find appealing about each other?
After this, ask yourself; what is the highest context of this relationship? Is there an element of caring for each other? Will you protect each other against the world? If so, does this not also mean you must protect someone from putting their life at risk? If the love you have for your boyfriend is genuine, why would you even contemplate putting his health at risk by having unprotected sex? Are you embracing different principles because of your HIV status?
Yes, I know it is difficult forming a relationship once you are diagnosed with HIV... but it is not impossible. What would happen if your boyfriend is diagnosed with HIV? Are you sure that he would not lay the blame solely at your feet? What is important Carol? That is the question I will leave you with.
In the meantime I bid you peace.
Tokunbo
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