Dear Tokunbo and Alfred,
I am a 28-year-old gay man who was diagnosed with HIV four years ago. At the
time I told a few friends. I was shocked at their reactions. Two friends who
I had only just met were supportive and are still friends today, but my oldest
friends just gradually disappeared from my life. Looking back I think they
just couldn’t handle it. This experience makes me feel like I can’t
tell anyone else. I am still not ready to tell my family because my mum is
ill. I have made a new friend at work. I really want to tell him but I am
terrified he will react like the others. Can you help?
NICK
Dear
Nick,
The whole experience of ‘coming out’ as HIV positive is sometimes
like coming out as gay all over again. It is good that you have two friends
who have been supportive and it is interesting that your oldest friends didn’t
cope well. I experienced this myself with a couple of friends. When I look
back, a lot of it was that I wasn’t being very accepting of my new status
myself - it takes a while to adjust, just like coming to terms with being
gay and this made it hard for me to support them through it. I know that may
seem a strange thing to say. But if we, who need the support, can actually
learn to support those who care about us through the early stages, the pay-back
can be that later they are usually there for us, already trained by us for
when we need them, if our situation changes. Say, when you start combination
therapy.
However, one of the best things for you to do now is to talk to other HIV
positive people about these issues. These concerns can be complex and there
isn’t an easy answer that fits everyone’s situation. Talking with
others who’ve been through similar experiences will help you become
comfortable with the issues yourself and make things clearer for your next
steps. Peer support, as well as professional support, is very important for
many of us.
The UK Coalition is starting a group on Wednesday evenings for HIV positive
gay men. PACE, GMFA and THT all run different types of support groups and
counselling where you can meet other positive men to get support in making
your decisions in this areas. Outside of London most major towns have active
support groups (see adverts PN).
Alfred
Hello Nick,
I am somewhat curious as to your reasons behind telling people about your
diagnosis. You mention the fact that you were shocked at your friends’
reactions.
What are your expectations when informing people? Do you feel that you want
to be embraced by them? Do you feel it is important that they know everything
about you? Is it to create free flowing’ conversation?
You mention that two new friends at the time of your diagnosis were supportive.
In what way were they supportive? Was it because they accepted your diagnosis,
without detaching themselves from you?
I put to you the fact that people react differently to illnesses. Some people
express pity, others face their prejudices, some have feelings of disgust.
There are people who remain placid, some people require time to digest information.
A lot of people go into shock mode, others are emotional and you often end
up being more supportive towards them at the outset. Think of a situation
when you have visited someone in hospital - many people take ‘their’
own pain and fears to the person that they are visiting and the person in
hospital can be left feeling responsible towards his or her visitors instead
of the other way round. It is quite natural for some people to not be at ease
in handling other people’s illness.
What are you expecting to achieve by confiding? Are your expectations for
yourself or for others?
Is there a need to tell others because you are symptomatic or is it to resolve
internal issues? Disclosure is not easy, no matter how long you have been
diagnosed. I suggest that you probe your inner self and be aware of the issues
that I have raised here when you talk to other people about your HIV status.
Do take care to protect yourself.
Tokunbo
Useful Contacts:
• UK Coalition 020 75642180
• PACE 020 7700 1323
• GMFA 020 7738 3712
• THT 020 7835 1495
Tokunbo & Alfred will be taking a well earned break from PN - watch this space for new features.
