SPECIAL KAY’E
Most HIV positive women I’ve met in my time assert they were
infected by their husbands or long-term male partners. They claim they were
faithful to these men and I’m inclined to believe them. Practically
all were thrown out by their men after disclosing and, sadly, the vast majority
of the men are now dead; killed by HIV/Aids, or perhaps by ignorance, fear
and denial?
Women now form the majority of new HIV infections worldwide, and these infections
are mostly heterosexually acquired. Women face huge challenges when considering
negotiating safer sex with their male partners. Ironically, recent research
suggests married women, or those in long-term relationships, find it far harder
to negotiate than their single counterparts. This challenges the misleading
and stigmatising theory that suggests only ‘promiscuous’ women
get HIV. It does confirm talk of the epidemic being largely spearheaded by
men.
But here’s the question: how do these men themselves become infected
in the first place? Is it by having unprotected sex with other women? With
other men? By some other mysterious means?
Some US observers believe the rapid rise of HIV infection among black women
in that country is largely due to them having unprotected sex with black men,
who are in turn having unprotected sex with other men. This so-called ‘down
low’ phenomenon has made headlines, spawned best-selling books and was
even given an entire hour on Oprah. I mentioned the controversy in this magazine,
way back in November 2001.
No surprise then that in the nearby Caribbean, many men would prefer to die
than confront the possibility that they might be HIV positive. Even after
all these years, HIV is still considered synonymous with homosexuality in
this part of the world.
In Africa, the common belief is that men with HIV get it from prostitutes.
The African sex industry is nothing new, neither is it exactly underground;
yet the mere suggestion that any man may have been involved with it is equally
stigmatising.
But let’s get real. Men do use prostitutes and men do have sex with
other men while having girlfriends, wives and even children at home. I’ve
met some of these men and they are nothing new either. Some identify as gay,
some don’t. I also know men who, although now more or less accepting
of their homosexuality, had their first sexual relationships with women. Many
of these guys have children too.
I’m not trying to demonise these men and I’ll be among the first
to suggest that a major factor in these men’s behaviour is the rampant
homophobia still evident in Africa and the Caribbean. After all, apart from
attracting scorn and ridicule, homosexuality, whether real or perceived, can
still land you in jail in many African countries. In the Caribbean, it can
damn well get you killed.
But neither homophobia nor prostitution is going anywhere. Meanwhile, more
and more women become infected and since women are usually the principal carers
of children, kids are the ones who’ll ultimately suffer the most. It’s
not looking good for the next generation. Aids orphans outnumber adults in
many communities across Africa and even in the mighty US, too many black children
have lost their parents to Aids.
So are men to blame for infecting women or are women infecting the men? I’m
not sure it matters. Pointing the finger of blame distracts us from facing
the real issue: unprotected sex, full stop. But how much do women really care?
I remember one sister stating she didn’t care what diseases her husband
brought home to her. She loved sex without condoms and she had, after all,
vowed to stick by him “for better for worse, in sickness and in health,
and until death.”
While it’s laudable for any woman to want to stand by her man, what
about standing by herself and her children, born or unborn? No man should
have unprotected sex with you unless you allow him to. Maybe it’s time
for women to stop looking for men to lead on this.
Most women back home are economically dependant on their men and I fully accept
that trying to empower them is a monumental task. But here in the so-called
developed world, as many of our men are finding to their dismay, our women
have already begun to empower themselves.
Brothers beware. Men may do well to think about responsibility with regard
to their sexual behaviour, but ultimately the empowerment of women is the
essential key to change when it comes to heterosexually-acquired HIV infection
rates. That key is already turning.
ekaggwa@ukcoalition.org
