Thriving, not surviving
In the first of a new series on living a happier life with HIV, Dr
Rupert Whitaker looks at skills for successful survival.
Are you dead yet? No? But are you really alive? It’s a far harder question.
Simply having a pulse isn’t enough. Post-diagnosis, most of us went
through the “ohmygodimgoingtodie” period - and then found we were
still here. At some point, many of us have thought that was not necessarily
a good thing, as HIV stretched to the horizon, affecting every aspect of our
lives.
Rough rides and lucky breaks
Living well with HIV requires a mixture of luck, guts, skills, and attitude.
Some people live for decades in complete peace with HIV; that’s mostly
luck.
But for others, who have been to hell and back, it’s a question of guts.
The experience is a lot like riding a bucking horse that
really wants to knock you off.
This sort of life with HIV can be exhilarating if you feel in charge, but
painful and frightening if you get knocked off. You’re no longer in
control and life doesn’t care. What can this kind of ride do to you
in the long run?
It takes skills and guts
The ‘HIV survivors’ box (right) lists problems that many of us
have experienced at some point since we were diagnosed. It can be pretty grim,
so is there a better way to live?
The answers to success don’t lie with physicians or pills; pills are
a tool to help us not be ill, but have little to do with being truly well.
All good physicians know this.
Clinical research has explored characteristics in people who ‘thrive’,
not just survive, with catastrophic illness (see ‘HIV thrivers’).
They’re not superheroes; they’re very human with very real feelings
but they have skills and guts. When they have a hard time, they use it as
a challenge to care for themselves even better. When they’re knocked
off their horse into a pile of manure, these people plant a rose and get back
on that horse.
All tooled up
Most of us swing between ‘surviving’ and ‘thriving’;
the challenge is to thrive as much as possible while accepting that we’re
human. It’s not magic: it takes time and effort to learn skills and
to change the way we view both life and ourselves.
It means being careful with ourselves
during the down times, managing challenges with skill, building the right
group of people around us, and giving to and accepting from them at various
times.
Not all skills work for everyone; you take what you like and leave the rest.
When you find a skill that works for you; put it in your tool chest, use it
regularly, adapt it, and keep looking for more. Gradually, you’ll find
you are back on the horse, more in charge, and moving forward: real reasons
to feel cheerful.
HIV ‘survivors’...
• are burned-out with ‘HIV issues’
• have seen and done it all and designed
the T-shirt
• find it difficult to trust life or people
• struggle to cope on several fronts
• shrink their lives into a small world
• are ‘difficult patients’ generally – not only to
‘difficult physicians’
• cycle through depressions and are not always sure being alive is a
good thing
• know there is something better but aren’t quite sure where to
start
HIV ‘thrivers’...
• take charge of their life, feelings,
and health
• accept their situation while making
the most of it
• respect and care for themselves
• can feel joy, creativity, and fulfilment
• have a variety of inner skills
and resources to cope and build on
• have a sense of meaning and purpose, often through helping others
• have good support from a variety
of sources
• have guts, commitment, resilience, and perseverance
Dr Rupert Whitaker is co-founder of the Terrence Higgins Trust and has a clinical
practice in psychological medicine. He has lived with HIV for 25 years and
is currently writing a reference book and creating
workshops called Life Medicine for HIV.
Next month: Optimism.
• www.lifemedicine.co.uk
