OUT OF AFRICA
DOUBLE D DILEMMA
Of all the issues that HIV positive people have to contend with in their
lives, disclosure and discrimination are the most complex as well as the most
disturbing. One of the main reasons that many people dread being tested is
because they fear that, once diagnosed, they then have to come face-to-face
with the two big Ds.
At a recent workshop held at the British Library, several different ways were
bandied around on how one can disclose their HIV status. Some attendees said
they introduced the topic in conversations, at first in a casual manner, adding
a little bit more information each time the subject was broached. They said
that this gave them an opportunity to gauge the mood of the people they were
talking to and helped them to decide who to trust first. Still, others choose
the path of taking a partner or a close friend along to the clinic, having
alerted the health adviser or social worker, to offer support, information
and to calm nerves.
Others decide just to prepare them psychologically and choose a time to tell
people, depending on their assessment of the situation. Many people who have
found a way of ‘coming out’ have often expressed the enormous
sense of relief that immediately fills their hearts; it is as if a huge burden
has been
lifted from their shoulders. Unfortunately, in some people’s minds,
HIV is associated with immorality, and the idea of being ‘found out’
creates much fear.Those who adopt the moral high ground may not be
sympathetic at all. Cases exist of people being hurt physically and ostracized
from families at a time when they are most vulnerable. When people are forced
to hide, they may continue to have unprotected sex for fear of raising suspicion
and thereby continue to spread the virus.
The participants at the British Library workshop felt that culture, faith
and gender were also powerful constraints and until communities undertook
to share the burden of the HIV person once they disclosed, dealing with issues
surrounding HIV will put entire communities’ health in danger.
In retrospect, I wish I had tested earlier. I figured that it could never
happen to me. It turned out that I was so wrong. Once diagnosed, however,
I went through all those stages of denial, hate, anger, depression, suicidal
tendencies, etc. It did not help that I was having such a bad time with my
first two drug combinations. At first I only told my sister. She was fantastic
and I’ll never forget her support. However, just as things were settling
down a bit, a member of the family started to somehow intimate that he knew
my status and soon after I learnt that he had told others who then called
me to enquire if everything was OK.A close cousin decided to tell me about
the ‘rumour’ that I was positive, so I confronted the ‘rumour
monger’ to inform him that I was going to come out, not to dispel the
rumour but to confirm it. When my family met, I told them the truth. To my
very pleasant surprise, nobody abandoned me.
I did however spend some time in hiding, asking myself what I had done, fearful
that I had gone too far too soon. As days went by, I received a lot of support,
a lot more than I had originally bargained for.
Everyone who came to see me brought comfort foods like chocolate, biscuits
and cakes which I loved because I had developed a sweet tooth – I was
suffering terrible nausea which meant I really hated the sight and smell of
regular food. I did not stop indulging myself even when the nausea
subsided after the doctor finally agreed to change my combo. I ballooned from
size 14 to 20 in a matter of six months. Most of the food in my community
is boiled or grilled (lean, albeit red, not-so-soft meat, loads of fresh fruit
and vegetables). Our neighbouring communities deride us for our lack of culinary
imagination (I think we may get the last laugh yet!) But my African digestive
system absorbed these refined sugars and carbohydrates too fast. I am still
struggling with the weight. I am now size 16 but the weight has completely
refused to shift below this. The fat distribution is totally wrong…
oh well. All this happened about three years ago, against my will and possibly
my better judgement, as I was not prepared. In a way, it was a huge weight
off my shoulders and may have saved me years of procrastinating before disclosing
to all those people, and denied myself the relief and support of my close
family and friends.
