High IQ society Mensa recently took the intelligent
decision of appointing openly HIV positive Maria Thomson
as a board director. She tells PN how she ‘came out’ to the organisation
and how she loves partying just as much as puzzling
Words Calvin Holbrook
Images Piers Allardyce
On
a miserably wet September afternoon, Maria Thomson is a mood-lifting ray of
sunshine. Talking over tea and biscuits at her workplace at London’s
Big Lottery Fund, Philippines-born Maria is full of beans, despite feeling
a tad rough. It’s not a consequence of HIV or the gloomy weather; she
simply drank too much last night. “I was out partying and threw up after
two and a half glasses of wine. I managed to get home first, though!”
Drinking till you’re sick is not the sort of behaviour you’d expect
from a Mensa member, let alone one newly appointed to their board of directors.
But as Maria proves, there’s more to Mensa (and Maria) than puzzles
and psychometric tests.
Online disclosure
A member for 11 years, Maria, 42, was appointed a director in July 2005. Before
this she took the brave step of coming out as HIV positive by responding to
an offensive message on the society’s email discussion board. “It
was in 2004, after the Changing Tomorrow conference. There was an online discussion
about HIV. It got really weird when this guy posted a message saying: ‘I
think people with HIV should have it tattooed on their bum’. That remark
just set me off. I thought: ‘Why increase the paranoia about HIV? Do
you not even know how difficult it is just to admit you’re positive?”
So I posted a message stating I was HIV positive and asking ‘so what?’”
Maria’s honesty paid off: “I’ve had so many messages of
support and I think the guy that made the ‘backside’ comment is
pretty ashamed of himself. It was just careless talk but you know how careless
talk hurts. I thought: ‘If I don’t say something they are just
going to continue and none of the issues will be addressed.’”
I wondered whether, since Mensa members are clearly intelligent, they were
more likely than non-members to have a better awareness of the issues around
HIV.
“They have the capability to understand it,” reckons Maria. “Most
Mensans are more willing to be open, and can think through what the implications
are for themselves.” Born in the Philippines, Maria moved to Africa
as a child, the family following her lecturer father. She came to the UK in
the mid-90s to live with her English husband. Together for five years, they
are still
married but separated in 1997.
Testing time
Maria discovered her HIV status in August 2001 while with another long-term
partner.
“I was stupid and slept with someone else I met at a party. I was in
a relationship but there were a lot of problems. I told my partner, who was
mad, naturally. He didn’t want to break up but insisted I took an HIV
test. We assumed he had it too, but he was negative.” Maria’s
partner stuck by her, but it was a difficult period as she tracked back many
ex-partners. “I had to tell all my ex-boyfriends; the ones I could remember
(laughs). Most were in Mensa and I thought I would never be able to hold my
head up again. They all tested negative so it’s a relief to know I haven’t
infected anyone.” Maria thinks she may have been living with HIV for
up to 20 years. “I think I’ve been positive since the 80s. I’m
more than certain I was infected when I was in Zambia. “I’ve no
idea how I got it but I don’t take drugs. I think it’s more likely,
given my history...” Maria pauses and lets out another of her infectious
giggles; suggesting she has had more than her fair share of fun in the past.
“Well, let’s just say I’ve had more than one partner,”
she finishes. Well, sex is something we should all enjoy I suggest. “Exactly.
In Zambia I was constantly not using protection; I knew about condoms but
that’s not to say I enjoyed using them. I gave in to the men that didn’t
want to use them, although now I always use them and always disclose my status
to a potential partner first. I also went through stages of rebellion against
my parents, and that just happened to coincide with my time there. I was in
a self-destructive mode; you don’t care about other people but you don’t
even care about your own life.”
Back to herself
This is a far cry from the Maria I meet today; full of positivity. Moving
to the UK helped her escape this self-destructive phase. “I’ve
reverted to my old self. I now work in administration at the Big Lottery Fund,
distributing lottery money to good causes, but my parents wanted me to be
a doctor or a lawyer.
“But part of Mensa’s benefit to me has been to reassure me I’m
still intelligent. During my 20s and a bit of my 30s I did very little. I
only really started working at 31.” How did she survive financially?
“Well, my father supported me, but there are lots of stories about how
I survived, and that’s part of a book I’m writing. After my diagnosis
I still couldn’t really see beyond a year or two, so I started writing
memories of what I used to do. I suddenly became very introspective. It’s
something about being told you’re likely to die, even though it might
not necessarily be soon.”
Pill
problems
With HAART, people are living longer, but life-saving treatment is a double-edged
sword for Maria: she has a phobia of pills. And with a CD4 hovering just over
200, she is having to seriously consider starting treatment.
“I have a real problem with pills. It doesn’t matter if it’s
for a headache, I just don’t take them. My doctor has been muttering
about starting treatment but I will avoid taking medication for as long as
possible. I’ve been to counselling for it and they’ve suggested
some strategies. “I’m not mentally ready for therapy at the moment.
I have a problem with routine. I’m thinking: ‘How the hell am
I going to adhere?’ A long time ago I took an overdose and ever since
then I’ve been funny about pills. I find them difficult to keep down.”
Get the party started
Maria doesn’t let the possibility of having to start treatment play
on her mind. When she gets down, she does what she does best. No, not Soduko
(although she has moved onto ‘extra hard’ versions), but partying.
“These days I just forget I’ve got HIV. I get reminded when I
get skin infections and think: ‘Damn, I knew there was a reason why
I was supposed to take medication!’ The way I cope with anything negative
in my life is going out; I love partying (laughs). I could travel around the
world enjoying the hospitality of people I’ve met at Mensa. There’s
a sense of belonging that many Mensa members do not feel in any other group.”
Does she worry that all the late nights will take its toll on her delicate
CD4 count?
“When I say party, I don’t actually drink a lot. I’m on
diet coke usually and everyone thinks I’m tipsy. Last night was unusual
in that I did actually drink until I was sick. I’m such a lightweight.
But I’m one of those people who are on a natural high.” Despite
being a good-time gal, Maria still enjoys more stereotypical Mensa activities
like puzzles, crosswords and Scrabble. She was even a champion on Countdown
for a day in 1996. “Carol Vorderman was lovely: she came on and told
us dirty jokes and I was like, ‘God, this is my kind of woman.’”
Giving something back
Maria recently completed a Living Well course and has just finished further
training on the programme. “At Living Well you’re hearing other
people’s experiences of HIV and it made me feel closer to it. It’s
empowering. This programme is funded from the efforts of a lot of people in
the HIV voluntary sector and I’m reaping the benefits. I want to help.
Anything that gives me something, I try and give something back.”
Why does she think the number of new diagnoses continues to increase? “There’s
a different generation who didn’t grow up with the HIV ads on TV, so
there are a whole group of young adults indulging in risky behaviour. Because
we can prolong life with medication, we need to start feeling normal and expect
others to treat us normally.” I suggest we cannot make HIV seem so normal
it encourages sexual complacency.
“I’d rather not have HIV. If enough of us keep speaking out about
it, including the hardships, there’s no reason why anyone would want
it. I’ve heard of ‘bug chasers’: why seek something that
could destroy you? It’s stupid. “I’m happy to work; for
me that is part of feeling healthy. If I didn’t it would be an admission
I was ill. I know I’m ill, but I don’t accept it on a physical
level. I push myself. I wouldn’t wish HIV on anyone but it can be a
positive force; it makes you think about what you what to achieve with the
rest of your life.”
And Maria certainly makes the most out of her life; her job at the Big Lottery
Fund, her new role at Mensa, writing a book and plans to volunteer in the
HIV sector. Winding up, I ask what she’s up to over the weekend. “I’m
going to a wedding. There’s going to be a huge party.” Now, why
doesn’t that come as a surprise?
• www.mensa.org.uk
• www.livingwellhiv.org
