Simon Mwendapole
South of the river
I have always been a women’s advocate and supporter of their rights
because of their special place in life. As somebody with sisters, daughters,
nieces and aunties, I feel for the opposite sex. But lately I’ve heard
stories in relation to HIV which have made me feel sad and question my unequivocal
support for women. Domestic violence can be defined as violence or abuse within
a household. In Africa, it’s sometimes acceptable in certain tribes
or communities. This violence is mainly directed at women and their children.
I mention children because men tend to chase women together with their children
when they do not want to take responsibility for their kids’ upkeep.
Often when there is trouble or disagreement between partners, the finger of
blame usually points at men, and men often take the blame and responsibility
with dignity. But this has lead to some women taking advantage and abusing
men big time, particularly men of African origin here in the UK.
In any relationship or marriage, problems have to be addressed by both parties
amicably. It’s unfortunate then that some women have resorted to hiding
HIV treatment medicines or just throwing away men’s medicines as a way
of punishing their partners. To me this is the worst form of domestic violence
and abuse that one can inflict on a partner living with HIV. This dreadful
act confuses men as some are too embarrassed to inform their
consultants. Also, it is a cost to the system and abuse of trust. The man
has openly declared his combination to the woman for safekeeping. But why
is there so much domestic violence in the HIV community? The causes are many.
They include insecurity in some women, lack of household income and laziness
on the part of some men. Lack of space between partners is a key factor as
it causes unnecessary intrusion into people’s personal lives. I for
one hate women who want to assume total control of men and are violent towards
men and their friends.
The mere fact that one is living with HIV is a huge burden on one’s
well-being. So it is unnecessary to have a partner who gives you grief all
the time. You may sometimes wish you had never met your partner, but that
doesn’t justify hiding one’s meds, not least because it affects
adherence. HIV treatment is a complex journey that one embarks on and you
do not need unnecessary hurdles on the way.
HIV treatment is life to us, so for somebody to hide or throw it away is as
bad as killing us, although it’s a slower process. For men experiencing
this, I advise you to leave your partner or to hide your meds. If this is
not enough, men are also being beaten and starved of food and sex. How are
men expected to adhere to treatment when faced with this abuse? This is often
the reason men sleep at relatives’ homes or just booze until they can’t
think anymore. How do I know this is happening? Many of these shocking stories
emerged at a recent African men’s forum in south London. Had these abuses
been happening to women, a lot of men would have been in jail by now. Men
don’t seem to have rights in the UK and it’s frustrating. For
example: you may be rich and able but, if your missus dumps you, you are still
expected to pay her? Kiss my arse. One solution lies in us men coming out
and seeking support from organizations sympathetic to men’s issues.
There are agencies trying to assist men with their problems and enable them
to meet other men with similar problems. Another solution can be your family
who may be ready to take you back once your woman persistently harasses you.
I mention family because if you decide to go elsewhere for a breather, it
inflames the whole situation. Some women want to continue abusing and beating
you even when you have left home.I have great patience in handling such issues
but I can’t stand being poked in the head and whipped by my woman. I’m
a man: a family man who has to take my treatment daily, so I have to defend
myself at all times. This is not to encourage men to fight women but perhaps
to move on. For all the abused HIV positive men out there, cheer up; you are
not alone in this struggle.
• Simwenda@aol.com
