Teresa Wottalogg
Out of Africa
Around 56 per cent of African women with HIV positive children are single
mothers, according to recent research by the African HIV Research Forum. The
reasons can be many and varied. In some cases, the women may have been widowed
or travelled to the UK leaving their spouse and other children back in Africa.
Some may be divorced due to so called ‘irreconcilable differences’.
Some are single by choice, reflecting what increasingly seems to be
happening in the wider community. However, a good number of women with HIV
positive children have quite literally been abandoned by their husbands when
the man discovers he is not HIV positive. Even when both are found to be HIV
positive, the man almost invariably blames the woman for their predicament.
In all spheres of life, human beings find themselves faced with difficult
tasks, but having an HIV positive child, who will one day have to find a role
and place in life, especially when raging hormones and
emotions kick in, must fill the heart of any parent with dread. Problems often
start when the child starts to fall ill frequently, and has to have to have
blood samples taken again and again. The child may be hospitalised and put
on regular medication, which sometimes makes them feel unwell (I have experienced
this and it can be quite bad). Matters become further complicated if the child
is the only one in the household taking medication.
I have heard of instances where one child who was not sick believed they were
being discriminated against as the HIV positive child seemed to get all the
medicine and attention. The family responded by telling the child he was not
yet old enough to start taking medication and that when he was, he would get
some. This may create a different set of problems with a curious child sneakily
helping themselves to medications to try it.
These are just a few of the difficult issues parents have to deal with. Others
include whether to tell, or not tell, the children; how, when, where to do
it, whether alone or by enlisting the help of a friend, social worker or pastor.
It’s frightening to think you will at some point have to tell your child
about their status because you could otherwise be in breach of the UN’s
Convention on the Rights of the Child. Your conscience tells you it’s
the right thing to do, but it’s arguably one of the most difficult things
ever. This is the crucial point at which both parents really need to forget
their differences, albeit momentarily, and support their child together. It
may well be the single most memorable event in the child’s life. If
parents can show united support at this crucial moment it may well teach the
young child a lot about human relationships that they will be able to draw
on in future.
Telling your child about your own status if you are HIV positive and they
are, mercifully, HIV negative is still difficult, but much easier by comparison.
Often people find their kids drop everything to rally around them and try
to take a leadership role in family matters. I hear sad stories of children
as young as 12 dropping out of school and seeing themselves as the person
in charge of the house, until someone, a social worker or family friend, steps
in to try to convince them that mum will be fine and that they should try
to go back to school to prepare for the future. Some men make themselves available
and support HIV positive women and children, playing the valuable role of
a father. Some gallant and responsible African men see the fact that they
are HIV negative as irrelevant and continue to support their families even
when they have separated from the children’s mothers. But sadly, there
are those who abandon their families without thinking about the extreme vulnerability
of these children they have brought into this world. These children deserve
as much support as they can get from both parents whenever possible. A lot
of support is needed to help the concerned families to deal with this issue.
My heart goes out to all parents, single or otherwise, who work so hard, in
the face of such difficulty, to love and support their children and helping
them to grow up to realize their full potential as human beings. But before
I am hounded out of town by some brothers who are single fathers, I hasten
to add that many do a commendable job and should be supported as much as anyone
else.
