LIFEMEDICINEPART 5:
DEALING WITH ANGER
Managed effectively, feelings of rage or frustration
can be used positively to create change
Words Dr Rupert Whitaker
Image Antonio Maggi
Last month’s column was about
purpose and passion. While anger
is different from passion, it can fuel any passion to create change. Anger
brings a motivating and energising force to restore a sense of order, control
and safety to our lives. It’s an ancient survival mechanism and it’s
there for a reason. Most of us get angry when we’ve had enough to deal
with and want something to change. Living with HIV means having less of a
sense of control over our lives and gives us a lot to cope with. Having to
cope with too much can wear down our minds and bodies directly (such as through
high blood pressure) and indirectly (such as by calming ourselves through
smoking). Some nations value strong feelings (the Italians) and some belittle
them (the British). Many people have the idea that feelings like anger are
‘bad’ and should be suppressed or eliminated, often because they
can’t handle feelings or, being abusive people, they don’t want
to face the consequences of their behaviour. Yet research shows that expressing
feelings positively is healthy and hiding feelings unhealthy. However, anger
can be positive or negative depending on how it’s managed and expressed.
Making anger positive
Anger is positive when it’s expressed at the right person or situation,
in a constructive way, in the right amount, at the right time, for the right
reasons. It’s negative when it’s not these things and if it goes
on too long or too strongly. This means that anger requires careful analysis
and judgement, which is hard. Even if expressed positively, anger can still
wear us down more than build us up, so we have to learn how to use it best.
Managing anger
From the moment of anger:
• focus on getting around the problem
• if your anger is overwhelming you,
get a rest from it right away
• vent your feelings positively, e.g., with exercise
• try and see something funny in it
Analyse and plan:
• take a specific time to think it through
• be clear about the objective facts of what’s happened
• decide what you want to change,
if anything (if nothing, why not?)
• find out ‘what, when, and how’ you want to create change
• think through what this effort will bring you
Act positively:
• talk to the right person, at the right time
• communicate clearly how you want things to change
• be persistent
Minimising anger
Rest from anger is essential, whether it’s walking away from the problem
for a while (the issue doesn’t always have to be resolved straight away),
using calming breaths or thoughts, listening to relaxing music, having a massage,
meditation, watching funny films, or just living slowly for a while. While
anger, like stress, can give you a buzz, it’s like revving your engine
all the time; it’ll wear you out. Anger is something to be minimised.
Some good ways to help this are to sharpen your communication skills, maintain
a positive attitude in daily life, and avoid known problems as much as possible.
If you are having a challenging time, cut down other stimulants: coffee, loud
music, violent movies. Regular meditation helps you resist all forms of stress.
It’s essential, if hard, to stop problems or feelings from getting larger
than necessary, or taking on too many problems at once.
Anger and HIV
The gay community was angriest when nothing was done to prevent them dying
from HIV, and some physicians and politicians made the problem worse. Many
activists burned out on anger as they lacked a strategy for managing it in
the long-term and using it well.
I know many people even now who are angry about their medical and social care.
We can use these feelings to create some positive change. We will not only
feel better, we’ll probably live longer too.
Dr Rupert Whitaker is co-founder of Terrence Higgins Trust and has a clinical
practice in psychological medicine.
• www.lifemedicine.co.uk
