New group STR8 Talk is starting
to address a long-standing gap in support for HIV positive people who are
neither gay men nor African. PN attended a meeting to find out more from organisers
Martin and Nicole
Words Chris O’Connor
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What
is STR8 Talk?
Martin: It’s a group of mostly heterosexual HIV positive
people that come together twice a month. Positive people, especially those
newly diagnosed, want to speak to another
positive person; they want to see a survivor.
Nicole: For me, it’s about social inclusion. People
who get a positive diagnosis all of a sudden feel marginalised. Some of us
have medical problems, some don’t. But being HIV positive can really
mess with your head. A lot of people in the group react by isolating themselves,
they have relationship problems and real fears about their status. We turn
no one away. If you feel unwelcome or uncomfortable with other support groups,
come to us. We don’t care how people became HIV positive or where they
are from, and that in itself is just a nice feeling.
M: Some come to the group looking for a partner. It’s
not a dating club, but we are all adults and if you meet someone you like
here then why not? There is plenty of opportunity to swap numbers when we
go down the pub afterwards.
How did the group start?
N: STR8 Talk grew out of the Sesame Group at the Terrence
Higgins Trust Lighthouse. After time, that group dwindled but THT asked for
peer facilitators and Martin and I volunteered. We alternate venues between
Lighthouse West and Positively Women, but all they provide us with is the
room and some sandwiches.
M: We agreed the group should be led by positive people and
since then we’ve had lots of referrals.
N: STR8 Talk was advertised as ‘culturally European’
but people thought: ‘I’m not European, I’m English’,
or that it was a euphemism for white people, neither of which was true. This
was a real problem for us. In the end we said: if you find yourself not represented
by other groups, come to us.
M: I have never seen a more multicultural group. We don’t
talk about fisting, well not that much, and we don’t talk a lot about
immigration and asylum issues. But we have positive gay men and lesbians coming
along and they are very welcome.
Why is there a need for such a group?
N: We [non-African HIV positive straight people] struggle
to get specific support. When you try to get any attention, the attitude is
usually: ‘Well, you are a minority and there aren’t enough of
you’. We estimate there are some 2,000 HIV positive people who might
wish to come to our group and I want to get that across. We are a minority,
but nobody caters for us at all.
M: Straight people lack the sense of community you get among
gay men and African groups. We know many HIV
positive gay and African people feel poorly supported but we are completely
invisible with no support at all. We are not bigger victims than anyone else,
but we need more than sandwiches and a room twice a month.
What support would you like to see for STR8 Talk?
N: Recognition that we exist, we are growing and that we
have needs nobody looks after. It’s a numbers game, but according to
the Health Protection Agency, there is a steady increase in heterosexual infections.
M: If you look at the history of HIV community activism,
the gay and African communities got together and made a lot of noise; the
straight HIV community isn’t doing that at all. I feel services should
be supplied based on your HIV status full stop, not on which community group
you fall into. But unfortunately we are forced into shouting for our own group.
Need is growing and we are proving that because the group is rapidly expanding.
I usually facilitate, which means keeping the conversation flowing, making
sure nobody gets left out. I’ve seen people thrive and empowered by
taking a lead.
N: Sometimes we leave shell-shocked as some of the issues
are heavy-duty. Martin has training, but I have to improvise and it’s
hugely stressful. We need better organisational backing. It can’t be
100 per cent volunteer-run.
How
do people make the first step in coming along?
N: We get referrals from THT, Positively Women, UKC, word
of mouth and from
nurses and doctors. We need to highlight our existence to people doing post-test
counselling. We need an outreach worker speaking to nurses and doctors in
clinics and getting people used to the idea of coming to a group. But the
resources are not there.
Do you have a structure for the group meetings?
M: We’ve had speakers, psychologists and people talking
about employment issues. But the group exists primarily for emotional
support. Once we had to ask a visiting HIV negative speaker to stop her presentation
because someone came to the group in bits. I said the presentation couldn’t
go ahead because we had to be there for that person. It caused some problems.
A lot of HIV negative people in some organisations haven’t seen the
real human face of HIV. Walk For Life, Aids dinners, brilliant. But the real
face of Aids is people coming to us in pieces.
What do you yourselves get out of the group?
M: I attend Narcotics Anonymous where the philosophy is that
you only keep what you have by giving it away. I suppose I believe that by
being there for other
people now at some point, someone is going to be there for me.
N: It’s an evening when I feel normal. It’s a
normal social event. We want to develop activities like book clubs, dining
clubs, salsa lessons, etc. They don’t have to be straight. We envisage
a network with people from gay and African groups and getting positive people
together regardless of their background.
I was paranoid about disclosure, worried about being seen. Now within the
HIV sector I disclose, which for me is a huge step. I now feel I have a support
network I can fall back on. I am part of a community now.
Billie 22
Londoner Billie married an older man who she met during her
last year of school. He died of heart failure after they split up, leaving
her with two children. “He had been a heavy drug user prior to us meeting
and then again, after we split.” Billie found out about her status after
receiving an anonymous letter urging her to get a check-up at her local GU
clinic.“I was totally shattered when I received my diagnosis. The staff
were supportive but I felt extremely bitter towards my ex.“I attended
my local support group which consisted mainly of gay men and Africans but
found it hard to integrate because I had so little in common with people there.
I left that meeting feeling utterly lost, believing there was no help and
that I really was alone. I then discovered STR8 Talk through an acquaintance
and decided to give it a go. “At first I was nervous, but walking in
I felt sheer relief. Here was a group made up of straight men and women, from
all walks of life and with different stories to tell. I was hooked. It is
a godsend as I had found it extremely difficult to meet heterosexually positive
men and women and had relied on dating sites. I am eternally grateful to my
friend for passing on the STR8 Talk details and in turn, I’ve done the
same for others.”
Bill 35
After his diagnosis in July 2000, Bill threw himself into his work in the
finance industry. “Eventually the wind just came out of my sails. My
relationship didn’t work out and I was confused about how to approach
that side of life. The isolation built up and I became depressed. “I
left my job and tried going to groups. Body & Soul was welcoming, but
the discussions about immigration status and access to treatment weren’t
relevant to me. I continued to sink deeper into depression and debt. Eventually
I lost my flat. I felt I’d lost everything: my career, my hopes, and
my independence. One day I went to the Sesame Group at the Lighthouse. There
were four or five people there, depressed to varying degrees, but they were
heterosexual and HIV positive and I could relate to their situations. It was
a huge relief and I let it all off my chest. They understood the isolation
of being a sub-culture within a sub-culture. It was the beginning of my ability
to heal again. “I’m on a better footing now and have set up a
new business. Soon after we started STR8 Talk, a lovely young guy called Liam
returned to Ireland for Christmas and died there. It brought home the urgency
of what we’d been doing. Every time a new member comes in bubbling over
with anxieties they just need to let out, it all seems worthwhile.”
Gary 36
“I have lived with HIV since 2002 although I first fell really ill in
1999. Being a straight non-IV drug using, middle class accountant who’d
never been to sub-Saharan Africa, doctors eliminated every possible other
illness first. HIV was all that remained. “Most people realise HIV in
the developed world is no longer a death sentence but it’s the ‘social
death’ sentence that scares the living crap out of people. “Being
a straight HIV positive man poses its own set of problems: ‘Who am I
going to shag now?’ ‘What about starting a family?’ ‘What
will other straight people think?’ Then there is the subliminal emotional
impact of never-ending melancholy. It took two years for me to finally seek
support. It was only after getting off my butt that I was put in touch with
STR8 Talk in 2004. I could not hope to meet a more down-to-earth mixed bag
of folk.
“We share clinical information and discuss alternative therapies. We
have Italians, Spanish, South Americans and German members, including finance
professionals and salesmen. The atmosphere is more student union than AA.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to be gay, as gay men seem have a more
evolved support network and a larger pool of positive partners to empathise
with. Many straight HIV positive people live a clandestine existence, a double
life. I have two distinct circles of friends: positive and negative. It is
only when with the new positive crowd than I fully come out of my shell.”
Sara 30
“I was diagnosed in 2002 and had counselling to help with diagnosis.
In 2004 I heard about STR8 Talk from a friend. Before that I had attended
an Asian support group but felt isolated. I have been attending STR8 Talk
regularly and it really helps and I know I’m not alone in this. The
group discusses disclosure, meds, relationships, but just connecting is very
important. “The facilitators are HIV positive, which is different from
other groups where having HIV negative facilitators got in the way. I have
good friends supporting me, but they don’t really understand. They try,
but they can’t really. I don’t have a great social life so it’s
good to get out.”
• STR8 Talk meets the first Wednesday of the month at Lighthouse West
London (020 7792 1200) and the third Wednesday of the month at Positively
Women (020 7713 0444)
• str8@btinternet.com
