Clayton Brown The new age
OH, TO NOT GIVE A DAMN
We all love to do it; with our wives, husbands, partners, work colleagues,
friends, strangers and even family members. What am I on about? We gossip.
But as gossipers we seldom pause to think of the feelings or even the state
of the mind of the people we’re talking about. Instead we continue to
verbalise judgments based on our own selfish objective: either to make our
ourselves feel better or to demonstrate we’re gaining kudos from showing
we’re the ones holding some sort of private knowledge about another.
Just for the kick.
Even though our gossip is rarely intentionally malicious, how often do we
pause to think how our subject, our ‘victim’, might feel if they
were to know we were airing their ‘laundry’ for others to see?
But to us that is not important. We gossipers (for everyone does it) prefer
to turn a blind eye to the possible hurt we are inflicting via our chit-chat
or loud mouth.
Some of you will have already guessed what I’m talking about. But for
others, I give another clue: the gay scene in various cities isn’t as
large as you would think and rumours spread quickly. Yes, I’m speaking
of people who disclose the HIV status of another without that person’s
consent. There is no defence in saying: “I haven’t got a problem
with people knowing that I’m HIV positive” because they have lived
with the virus for a number of years, and having had time to get used to it
and all its associated implications. But there is no excuse for forgetting
others have not, and still have a natural fear of public announcements.
Six months on I realise I made a big mistake by disclosing my HIV status to
certain people. Why? Because I’m still not in a position to confidently
hold my head up high when presented with that dreaded question: “Is
it true, are you HIV positive?” Immediate disclosure was a serious gaffe
for Clayton Brown. For those familiar with this column, you will know that
over the months I have exhibited elation, anger, subconscious self-pity, hate,
laughter, love and blame. All this suggests I haven’t yet created a
concrete positive self-image about my diagnosis. Put another way, I haven’t
unreservedly come to terms with being HIV positive yet, even if in the past
I wrote as if I had. The unexpected realisation that others have been disclosing
my status has caused me not only pain but considerable anger and clearly demonstrates
(once again) I’ve not fully accepted my HIV status. So how do I come
to ease with my new-found status and eliminate any festering level of shame?
To answer this I really need to go back in time; why had I allowed myself
to become infected? Was I really a slut? Did I act irresponsibly? Was I just
unlucky? Do I actually deserve what perhaps could be an inevitable: of dying
before my time?
To answer all the above will mean looking in the mirror for some time. Nonetheless,
my reflection needs answers if my real self and HIV can find closure. If I
make a concerted effort, then if, or when, others disclose my status without
my permission, I should be able to positively and authentically, not give
a damn.
Looking back I know I had low self-esteem prior to becoming HIV positive.
I should have tackled this and its associated problems back then. Had I focused
on myself, why I did certain things like having unsafe sex, I’m confident
PN readers would never have heard of Clayton Brown.
But let’s not concentrate on spilt cum. Let’s look forward. Now
is the time for me to learn from my mistakes, to adopt some particularly serious
personal care, so that those psychological issues relating to HIV can be put
finally to bed.
All is not lost because from here on I have to affirm that I have a responsibility
to myself and acknowledge my past behaviour and that in it I made a sexual
mistake. Only then, when I accept it, will I be confident in not making the
same mistake again; sleeping with others for the sake of it or indeed (God
forbid) inadvertently or even deliberately infecting others because of unchecked
never-ending low self-esteem.
Until next year, I sign off from PN to work on the aforementioned and hope
that in 12 months the result will be as follows: Clayton Brown here. Yes,
the gossip is true. I do have HIV, but I also have dignity, self-respect and
compassion.
