Wheelchair bound and HIV positive; the remarkable
Tony M tells Laurence Gibson how two crushing blows failed
to destroy
his lust for life
Photos Mike Kear
Tony’s
unpublished autobiography is an upsetting read. Before I met him face to face,
I was disturbed by his harrowing life story. Tony has not had an easy ride,
far from it. But it quickly dawned on me that this man was no victim. He did
not want sympathy just a voice to tell his story.
Now living in suburban west London in a small one bedroom flat with his resident
boyfriend and carer, Tony’s home is simple yet cheerful. One of his
walls is dedicated to Princess Diana, and his two small dogs yap at my ankles.
“I have been in a wheelchair since 21,” he explains. “Two
so-called friends were arguing. I hate arguments. I always have done. They
started to fight and I tried to stop it.
“They pushed me out of a window 59 feet up,” he says calmly, in
his almost monotone voice.
“The police were not much help. It became my word against theirs - there
were no witnesses. They put it down to attempted suicide in the end.”
Under the surface, Tony is a humorous man, but it is difficult to pick up
on. His comedy has a dark edge.
“As I told the police, I didn’t have the guts to jump off a diving
board, let alone out of a sixth floor window,” he jokes. The humour
is disguised by his distinctive low voice which I could not help but compare
to that of scientist Stephen Hawkin.
“The accident affected my throat and my speech, as you probably can
tell. One of my lungs collapsed during the fall and I had an operation on
my throat. My head was injured and I had pelvic and back injuries. The injuries
also affected my immune system.”
But for this young man, then aged just 21, worse news was to come when the
doctor told him he would never walk again.
Many of us would expect such a crushing blow to somehow inhibit our lives
but Tony is no ordinary man. He is adept at transforming negativity into positivity
and refuses to sit around feeling sorry for himself.
“If I come up against an impossible obstacle I think to myself ‘is
there another way I could do this?’ Whereas years ago I would have simply
shrugged my shoulders and put it off.
“Since the accident I have just got on with my life. I do so much more
than I used to. Before I would always put off doing things and liked going
out to party all the time. I must be getting older because I don’t like
to do that so much these days,” he says, grinning.
“We go to the big nightclub West Five in Ealing, not so much these days;
but certainly more so after the wheelchair. I get a lot of drinks brought
for me.”
“I have travelled all over the world, something I never would have done
before the accident. One of my biggest idols is Evita. Last year I was even
able to go and see her grave in Buenos Aires, in Argentina.
“I have also become a bit of a gardener, something I always wanted to
do. I grow all this fresh produce,” he says producing the healthiest
looking cucumber you are ever likely to see.
“Now I enjoy my life as much, if not more, than before.”
It’s fair to think that one cataclysmic experience in a lifetime is
enough for anyone. But Tony was unaware he was yet to face another series
of life-changing events some 14 years later.
“I had come to terms with my injuries quite quickly. But I still felt
the need to prove myself, that I could still meet other men and be intimate
with them,” he says, suddenly adopting a more sombre tone. “It
took me quite a few years to realise what was important and what was not.”
About five years ago, when Tony was 35, he started using the internet as a
way to meet other men. He got mixed reactions from those he met online.
“People were quite ruthless,” he explains, “As soon as they
found out I was in a wheelchair, they didn’t want to talk to me.
“It was getting me down and a friend suggested trying a loving relationship
room on Gaydar. That is where I first met Alastair,” he says, proudly
pointing toward a friendly-looking older man who had just entered the room.
“We have been together ever since.”
Tony suffered his second major setback during the early years of his relationship,
when he met a particularly unsavoury man on another internet chat room.
“I felt like I wanted to prove to myself and to Alastair that I was
attractive and could still pull men. Someone in the chat room said that he
was interested and came around to my flat.
“He was a bit drunk at first so I did not want to know. But he came
around again - this time he was more sober - and we became a bit closer, petting
and all that.
“The
third and final time he visited I had been questioning Alastair about whether
or not he cared for me. It became a bit weird. Alastair was here in the garden
at the same time as this other man, while I had unsafe sex with him in the
flat.
“The next day the man sent me a text. I can still remember the words
to this day: ‘HIV - ha ha ha’.
“The doctors confirmed that I had got HIV a while later.”
Tony is not particularly proud of this behaviour and ultimately does not feel
he has been made to pay for his misconduct in a particularly harsh manner.
It really is quite remarkable.
“I learned my lesson the hard way as usual,” he says, grinning
once more.
“But in many ways the whole thing has driven Alastair and I closer together.
I can honestly say that I have been entirely faithful for the past five years
and am now happier than ever.”
Alastair has a similar view of their relationship.
“At first it was difficult being with him. We were both clutching at
loose ends and I guess we were both a bit insecure.
“But gradually we learned to like and love one another and trust began
to develop between us. He realised there was more to life than being a floosie.
“By having a relationship, we realised we had to rely on one another,
and that each other was the most important thing.”
Tony, despite everything thrown at him, has become a very well rounded person.
He is capable of growing the most wholesome of tomatoes, can globe trot with
the best of them and generally adopts a jovial and joyous approach to his
life.
In the face of all this adversity, I found him to be an extremely happy man.
“Sex isn’t everything between Alastair and I anymore,” he
explains cheerfully.
“But he did come to visit me every day when I was in hospital the other
week. And he’ll do my decorating for me. Who needs sex when you’ve
got that?”
But this bizarre fairytale does not quite end there. In a hugely ironic twist
of fate, the damage inflicted on Tony’s immune system by the accident
seems to have been reversed since starting combination therapy. His CD4 has
now risen to levels not seen in Tony since before his accident, some 14 years
before he caught HIV.
In the words of his faithful boyfriend and carer, Alastair: “Tony always
used to get common colds and little illnesses but now he is on these pills
he never gets anything. His immune system seems to be much stronger than it
has ever been.
“He really is something of a Superman these days.”
