Michael Ratsey Country-phile
I’ve come a long way since I last wrote for this fabulous
publication. In particular I have discovered the world of cyber. Some may
view this as negative progress and I a rather a sad case, but it has certainly
given me insight, wisdom and sorrow.
Many of my contacts have been poz gay men and in 15 months I’ve met
some fabulous fellows. They know who they are. There is empathy, a brotherhood
almost, in the kingdom of the HIV positive gay man which, because of my rural
existence, I was previously unaware of. But there is also a ‘but.’
Gay men seem to deal with an HIV diagnosis in one of three ways. Of course,
the availability of HAART, means this has changed since it was an immenent
death sentence when we all dissolved into shock.
First, there are those who go on as before, maintaining careers, relationships
and often not disclosing at all. The virus is only a tiny part of them, one
which they sometimes ignore on an occasional late night out but otherwise
live respectfully with. But the virus does not rule them. Some of these men
anticipated their ‘news’ as a likely result of... let’s
just call them ‘certain practices.’
Some, and I think I’m one of them, turn the whole HIV diagnosis experience
on its head and think positively about everything. Being HIV positive is a
wake-up call. They re-evaluate their entire lives, reassess, have a greater
appreciation of life and become better people. Indeed, many of these guys
are in better physical knick than negative counterparts of the same age because
they listen to their bodies and minds, even if most of us have gut problems.
They may become creative, community-driven or self-nurturing. Some of the
older ones even give up their previous lifestyles and careers and strive to
do things they have always dreamed of like buying a paddock, renting an allotment,
keeping chickens, travelling to India or cycling to John O’Groats for
charity. And they often think love not sex. And then there are those who do
neither of these.
I have used cyber as the first step to meeting like-minded people and it has
taken me to domestic arrangements very different from my own. But I have discovered
a group of gay men whose world is entirely cyber and gay, who spend hour upon
hour, day after day glued to their screen, seemingly searching for something
to relieve their pain and boredom. These too seem to fall into three groups:
those housebound by disability or restricted by unreliable digestive systems;
those who are on the breadline; and those who are just very, very unhappy.
Because I was interested in this behaviour and in them as people, one or two
became dependent on me and I had to use ‘tough love’ to distance
them for the sake of self-preservation. Sadly and shockingly two of the first
ten guys I met are now dead. They took their own lives. Looking back, I can
see how it was almost inevitable, for they were on a downward spiral of pointlessness.
Yes, we have support networks and charities and many of those guys use them.
Both of these men had everything to live for: nice homes, supportive families
and friends, no money worries and, in one case, a loving partner. What they
also had was shame, anger and bitterness, and a lack of inspirational energy
to know how to dismount from the treadmill of self-destruction. Although it
is important to remember the virus may not be a symptom of how happy or unhappy
we feel, fatigue is a common symptom of depression as well as a symptom of
the virus.
I do empathise with how they have come to this. Even the most upbeat of us
have probably had similar thoughts. Surely we can have a good life of quality
these days thanks to HIV therapy. Or is it really just a quantity of life
without the quality that is now ours?
An uncertain future is part of our HIV diagnosis. How I am going to live happily
is something I consider more than how I am going to die. With visible and
silent drug side effects, changing body shape, pain, fatigue and disrupted
sleep it sure is hard to be euphoric. But is survival actually enough? HIV
is not simply a virus that causes diseases but also a social event that influences
how others react to us. The fact that HIV was included in the Disability Discrimination
Act in 2005 makes a statement on its own. Tag on homophobia and it is little
wonder gay men have mental health and relationship issues. I can fully understand
why the escapist world of cyber helps so many positive people but I can also
see how it could be the straw that brakes even the strongest camel’s
back.
