Paul Bakalite Emotional intelligence
“I want you to breed me up. Fuck me and cum in my arse with no condom,”
said the cute, blond twenty-two-year-old on Gaydar. “What are you doing
now?” I thought for a moment. “Trying to balance desire and responsibility,”
I said. The cute blond logged off. I had moved our internet chat out of the
fantasy of a potentially risky sex meet and into the reality of ‘sero-discordant’
sex.
Did this man, who described himself as a ‘fuck-slut’, really want
to have unprotected sex with me, or did he just want to talk about it? Was
he really HIV negative and did he want HIV positive cum in him? Did I want
to put it there? Until I interrupted the sexual banter with a more considered
remark, chatting about the idea via Gaydar was horny for both of us. Fantasies
don’t have to be safe. They enable us to act out in our minds all sorts
of behaviours that we wouldn’t necessarily act out in reality, behaviours
that may be taboo or dangerous. Was this a shared fantasy or would we have
done it for real?
Does anyone set out rationally to infect themselves or others with an incurable
or terminal disease? Surely this is almost never a rational act? Few people
would deliberately infect another with HIV, yet the media are quick to assume.
In a small number of cases an accusation of ‘biological grievous bodily
harm’ may be justified. In others, distress, denial and confused or
frustrated desire may lead an HIV positive person (especially if newly diagnosed)
to avoid, or be incapable of making, responsible decisions around sex and
safety. Mental health can be as big a factor in this as malicious intent.
Recent hysteria about ‘bug-chasers’ missed the mark. The BBC documentary
that was inaccurately trailed as an exposé of gay men who deliberately
infect themselves with HIV found nothing so sensational. What it did find
was the instinctive, sometimes overwhelming, not always careful, sex drive
that is inherent in humanity, and psychological issues for some gay men around
identity, belonging, guilt and self-worth. It also found a shedload of fantasy
and ‘dirty talk’ on the net that mostly went no further.
Much fantasy is harmless release. Other times it can indicate areas within
us that need sorting out. The incident with the cute blond on Gaydar happened
about five years ago; it’s not exceptional. We didn’t meet for
sex, but the phrase I used, ‘trying to balance desire and responsibility’,
stayed with me. I’ve been trying to balance desire and responsibility
ever since I became HIV positive, not always successfully. I was turned on
by what that cute blond suggested. Not, I believe, by the idea of infecting
a negative man, but by the prospect of the sensation and connection I perceived
I could find in skin-to-skin fucking; by the thrill in risk and his down and
dirty way of asking for it. Fantasies aren’t PC and neither is desire.
Five years on I’ve done a lot of thinking about exactly where what I
desire sexually can meet what I actually do, while still being healthy and
respectful. Psychological health isn’t just acting on impulse; it’s
about taking action that you still feel OK with when you think about it afterwards.
Much of the thrill in risk (or fantasising about it) was associated for me
with self-destructive tendencies and a poor self-image that I have largely
overcome. It was a form of self-harm. I can never have unprotected sex with
an HIV negative man. I don’t want to take pleasure at others’
expense. Ultimately, that sort of self-serving pleasure is no pleasure at
all. It is isolation.
But something still nags. I like the feel of skin-to-skin sex. I am old enough
to remember an adult world of sex before HIV. Condom-less sex is undeniably
natural sex. Is there a way to act on a desire for it responsibly as a positive
gay man? Using condoms all the time is of course the safer thing to do but
I am not alone in finding that difficult. Condoms can lessen sensation, feel
like a block to intimacy and make an erection wither. I do take a negotiated
level of risk (of re-infection or other STDs) with other positive gay men
sometimes; this isn’t unusual. We do it, but few of us will talk openly
about it. GMFA campaigns advocating damage limitation rather than condom use
at all times are a realistic approach to real human behaviour.
Balancing desire for sex that can bring both intimate reward and potential
danger to health, and respectful responsibility for yourself and others is
not always straightforward. Could taking even an openly negotiated level of
risk mean I still don’t or can’t value myself or another enough?
I don’t say my choices are ideal. I do aim to understand them and to
make them without deceit or denial. That, in itself, is healthy.
