February is lovers’ month. But what
if you want more sex than your partner, or the balance between love and sex
goes off the rails? Jack Summerside’s guide gets you
back on track
Illustration C(Aitch)
Words Jack Summerside
Love
is meant to be soft as an easy chair, if you believe Ms Streisand. But St
Valentine’s Day can be a smack in the face when it’s not all squishy.
After all, dear old Babs can afford much better upholstery than most of us.
Everywhere you turn, tips for the perfect romantic evening are flung at you,
most set in a world where there is no vacuuming to be done and the bathroom
cleans itself. So how do you get the balance right between love, romance,
sex and getting the shopping from Tesco?
There can be trouble ahead if you feel the intimacy in your relationship is
drifting away; if she or he doesn’t seem as interested in sex as you
are, or as much as they used to be. It can be a challenge to feel unloved
at a time like that.
Next month we’ll look at how to deal with losing interest in sex, and
when things don’t work as well as they could physically. But this month
we focus on those of us still raring to go, but with nowhere to take it.
This situation happens for all sorts of reasons; one partner being in poor
health, having difficult treatment, feeling fatigued or under stress because
of the demands of work or running a home or family. It’s a favourite
theme of old sit-coms, the man wanting sex and the woman not being interested.
But it can happen just as easily the other way round, or within same-sex couples.
And when one or both of you has HIV to deal with, it’s not surprising
these sorts of difficulties affect us more than most.
As usual in The Sex Pages, I’m grateful to readers who were prepared
to talk so frankly about their personal lives. Some names have been changed
at their request, to protect the innocent - and the guilty.
Just
turn out the light?
Maria has been HIV positive since her early 20s, has just turned 30 and has
been married to George for five years.
“He just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore, and hasn’t
been for months. I suppose I’ve just given up making the effort to get
him interested.
“We used to have a really great sex life, but that was rarer and rarer
when he became depressed, and just disappeared altogether after he started
on anti-depressants.
“Now I feel guilty or just like a fool if I try to get a bit sexy with
him, then I feel hurt because it feels like he’s rejecting me. He says
he still loves me, but it’s hard to believe sometimes when it seems
like things have changed so much.”This kind situation can become a cycle
of behaviour for both people in a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised
if George feels more or less the same way.
It’s perfectly normal, though not compulsory, for sex between couples
to tail off slightly after the relationship has been going for a while. Sometimes
it requires extra effort by both parties to keep the magic of new love going.
When you are used to spending time together doing the more mundane things
a couple does, it can sometimes be a bit less exciting and feel less special
to be together as lovers. Switching from being Handy Andy or Delia Smith to
the role of Don Juan or Juliet is a hard trick to pull off. Depression can
make it difficult to feel sexy about yourself and hard to respond to a partner’s
sexual overtures. And for some people anti-depressants like SSRIs (selective
serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, like Prozac) can dampen your sex drive and,
for men, make it harder to get or maintain an erection.
And for a partner like Maria, it’s natural to feel like someone’s
love has diminished or disappeared altogether when they no longer seem interested
in you as a sexual being.
Rain on my parade
Tony’s partner Ian has been having a tough time with some HIV related
health problems. “Sex just couldn’t figure for Ian at all, and
I must admit I was having real trouble with enforced celibacy. It’s
not the deal I thought I was getting into when we started seeing each other.
“I found myself ‘stretching the boundaries’ of our agreement
about not having sex outside the relationship. The worse things became between
us, the more I was doing it.
“Understandably, Ian was angry about that and it was hard for him to
insist I brought things back under control. But I did and I realise now it
was the right thing to do.”
One drawback of a monogamous relationship is the lack of sexual freedom you
had as a single person. For many, this is hard to adjust to in a new relationship,
but it can also be a factor if things change so only one partner has a sex
drive, or needs more sex than the other can offer. That can create a whole
set of extra pressures on that relationship.
If you do need to change the ground-rules about playing away from home, it’s
only fair to discuss it openly together first. Otherwise, you’re bringing
deceit into into what can be a difficult and fraught situation. And being
practical, you’re risking getting an STI and bringing it back home too.
The same applies to looking for sex or making yourself available to offers,
not just to actually having it. In the old days, the classic outlet for that
kind of thing was flirting in the workplace, possibly leading to the office
affair. Nowadays it’s probably more likely to be online flirting. This
can be just as hurtful to a partner and can be a much easier trap to find
yourself falling into. Log off and talk to your partner.
Like
a rose
Joe has kept romance alive with his partner Barry.
“Barry was having a rotten time with some real heavy duty treatment.
He felt about as sexy as a wet dish-cloth and he just kind of physically withdrew
from me. I didn’t know what to do, so I asked about some emotional support
from my HIV clinic.
“It was useful because it created space just for me, away from everything
being on Barry. After that, I tried some practical ways to keep things intimate
with lots of hugs. Sometimes Barry just didn’t feel like being touched,
so I tried to make sure I showed my love in all kinds of other little ways.
The occasional bunch of flowers, or simply saying I loved him.”
Got nothing to be guilty of
If you’ve not been feeling as loved as you feel you deserve, try to
keep things in perspective. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything
wrong. Try some of these practical steps to deal with the difficulties.
• Talk. Communication is usually the only real solution
• Explain what’s happening and how you feel honestly, openly and
clearly
• Avoid being confrontational, or accusing or belittling each other.
• Be specific: lack of clarity leads to resentment and misunderstanding.
• Reassure each other that the old love is still there and recognise
the sexual side of your relationship may be taking a respite break
• Find ways to pave the way for a return to normal in good times, but
without forcing things.
• Talk is no good without listening; try your damnedest to understand
exactly what is going on with your partner.
• Identify practical steps you both can take to make things less difficult.
But remember sometimes it is enough just to be heard.
There can be love without sex, just as there can be sex without love. Keep
remembering the difference. No one’s pretending all that talking and
listening is easy. But it’s better than humming You Don’t Bring
Me Flowers Anymore in the hope they will take the hint.
• Next month, The Sex Pages takes a look at the other side of this same
situation; how to deal with losing your sex drive.
• If you have tips or advice about making sex and relationships work
better for HIV positive people, The Sex Pages would like to hear them. But
please remember, this isn’t an agony column and we can’t give
individual advice. Write to Positive Nation at the usual address, or email
thesexpages@positivenation.co.uk
