Wezi
Thamm Rule of Thamm
A BRIEF ENCOUNTER
Thanks to a last minute change, I was asked to travel to and
from the HIV positive women and families’ conference in Germany by train
instead of plane. Fine, it would give me time to think, and it was great to
be on the futuristic Eurostar, just enjoying the feeling - a bit like flying
on the ground.
On the journey I thought about the women I had met at the conference. Some
had hair-raising stories but somehow, against the odds, they overcame terrible
hardships, in most cases with children, and survived to tell the tale. I felt
humbled when they spoke to me, especially when they thanked me for speaking
out and encouraging them to reach for their goals. I knew some of the terrible
experiences they had gone through and sacrifices they had made.
HIV reaps from all age groups and this was reflected in the wide age range
of women at the conference, some not yet 20. It was one of these younger women
I recognised walking towards me through the train carriage.
Senada reminded me, in height and dress, of my daughter a few years ago. But
where my daughter had only one dimpled cheek she had two, giving her a cheeky,
impish look. I thought she was one of the prettiest African girls I had seen
in a while, with short natural curls and lovely make-up-free skin.
She startled me when she asked if she could sit with me. I had wanted this
time to myself to unwind and rekindle my inner strength which was rather depleted
after the conference. But I felt this was no accident and she probably wanted
to get something off her chest.
She started by thanking me and saying how she felt so inspired by all the
amazing women. She was grateful to me for sharing my life experiences and
talking about the inner strength we all have. Senada then asked where I drew
my inner strength from. I said had never given it much thought, but I was
just grateful and thanked God or the powers that are, that it was there when
I needed it.
I felt awkward because she had that admiring look in her eyes, so I asked
about her. She explained how she had moved to the UK from southern Africa
with her fiancé three years ago. He was training as a physiotherapist,
she a theatre nurse, with a view to returning to work in Africa. Senada was
25. Eight months earlier she had given birth to the most adorable baby boy.
Senada told me she and her partner were diagnosed with HIV within six months
of arriving in the UK. After the initial shock, they supported each other
and got support from friends, doctors, clinic staff and their local peer group.
Senada had been very sure that she did not want to have children but would
adopt when the time came. But a few months down the line, her partner suggested
marriage and starting a family. He had even elicited help from their friends,
consultants and other clinic staff to convince her it was possible for an
HIV positive mother to have a negative child. She said she put up a good argument,
but against all her better instincts she allowed herself to be convinced.
Conceiving was easy; she was fussed over and the care was fantastic. Throughout
her pregnancy, she was watched like a hawk, monitored and administered to.
By the time the baby was due she had no doubts or misgivings.
Baby David was born without complications and everyone was ecstatic when he
got the all clear. At this point in her story she paused. I had to touch her
hand to get her to continue. Then she softly said that eight weeks later he
tested HIV positive. And in her head she went to a very dark place.
I felt a lump in my throat and a burning behind my eyes. I had to blink very
quickly to stop the tears. Senada said she had beaten herself up for not trusting
her first instincts. How on earth was she going to explain to her son David
one day that she had taken the risk over him being born positive and had made
a bad decision? Surely he would hate her? Everybody said they were sorry and
that ‘it happens’ but nobody properly explained what went wrong.
Since then Senada said she had had extensive counselling. And now she says
she has taken control of things again; surfaced, and shut the door firmly
on that dark place. She is alright with life again and enjoys her baby boy
every day. I must have looked incredulous because a smile suddenly lit up
Senada’s face. She took my hand and said: “Really I am alright
now.” And this was someone who only moments earlier had thanked ME for
sharing my inner strength.
Some woman...
