“I’m HIV positive” is difficult
to say, but when love and sex are involved things are even more complicated,
writes Laurence Gibson
Photos Mark Weeks
You
meet someone you like, things are going well. Then comes crunch time; should
you tell them you are HIV positive?
When is the best time - if ever? What if this new lover rejects you on the
basis of your status and never calls again? Worse still, what if they tell
everyone else? What if it’s just a one night stand?
Maybe you don’t know your HIV status and have sex with someone who later
informs you they are HIV positive. Would you run away, or be sympathetic and
understanding? Does being in love make a difference? Clearly the large numbers
of mixed status relationships suggest it may not always be a bad idea to tell.
Most people living with HIV face these dilemmas at various points in their
lives and, till recently, disclosure was a question of personal choice. But
13 prosecutions in England, Wales and Scotland for reckless transmission have
thrust sexual disclosure into the public, and legal, domains. Now it is possible
for a previously HIV negative person to prosecute the person they think infected
them.
Failure to disclose your HIV status to a sexual partner who then goes on to
become infected could lead to a criminal prosecution. If you can prove that
you both had ‘the conversation’ then you should be fine and using
condoms may help.
On a more personal level, the concept of disclosing an HIV diagnosis is likely
to cause upset within the positive person, who fears rejection or the conclusion
of a relationship before it has begun. The issue is a real nightmare.
PN asked opinions of a variety of people living with and without HIV. Each
point of view is as individual as the person who gave it. Their views are
a revealing insight into how people see the subject but not a guide on what
to do. Only you can make up your own mind.
Alan, 36, HIV positive
“Disclosure is a personal thing. Even though I’m comfortable with
my status, I’ll only disclose whenever the situation necessitates -
usually only when I feel comfortable with the person I’m with.
“If they are unable to accept this then I wouldn’t feel any worse
about myself, but rather think ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’.
“Recent changes in the law, and the possibility of imprisonment if someone
gets infected, put positive people under more pressure to disclose. This can
make the situation much more difficult.”
Natasha, 35, HIV positive
“I told my then boyfriend I was positive in a McDonalds car park. I
thought to myself ‘if he runs away, then at least I’ve still got
a Big Mac’.
“Earlier I’d told him there was something he didn’t know
about me that I had to tell him. He’d wondered what it could be for
most of the day, and when I told him I was positive he was actually quite
relieved. He had thought I was going to tell him I used to be a man!
“We have been married now for many years.”
David, 26, HIV negative
“I have never been put in the situation and have never had sex with
anyone openly HIV positive. I’m not sure exactly how I’d deal
with it. I would like to think I would be fine and accepting, but I may be
a bit scared at first.
“It would only take for one condom to break to mean a lifetime of pill
taking and blood tests, so I’m not 100 per cent sure I would get involved.
“Then again, I may really like him and it would be tough for me to turn
down someone I liked.”
Gary, 44, HIV positive
“I do not disclose my status to occasional partners. It’s none
of their business. But if had a permanent partner I would definitely tell
him.
“Disclosure is quite risky these days. If you were to tell someone you
don’t know very well it may well be used against you.”
Daniel, 23, HIV negative
“Recently I met someone with HIV. He told me within a couple of weeks
of us meeting.
“My friends’ reactions were hardest to deal with. They were all
worried about me becoming involved. A gay friend said he would have just walked
away and my straight girlfriend is still very anxious. But I‘ve become
involved and am currently quite happy.”
Elucida, 26, HIV negative
“I would be feel hurt and violated if someone didn’t disclose
an HIV positive status before we had sex. I would definitely never sleep with
anyone with a communicable disease in a casual setting. I would also want
to lay charges.”
Paul, 35, HIV positive
“I never tell anyone about my status. My doctor and my mother are the
only two people who know. I am no risk to anyone so why should I tell them
about it? I do not need anyone else’s support and have dealt with what
the virus means years ago. I have sex often and HIV has never once been mentioned
by either party.”
George, 55, HIV negative
“I have lived through an age when many friends died of the disease,
while I somehow remained uninfected. I was at my boyfriend’s bedside
13 years ago when he slowly slipped away.
“So today if I meet anyone with HIV then I have all these horrible memories
to deal with. But I’m quite open to sleeping with a positive person.
There are treatments these days that really work, and positive people can
live full lives; so where’s the problem?”
Damiola,
28. HIV positive
“I caught HIV back home and was diagnosed here last year. I am lucky
to receive the drugs but I don’t tell any girls about it. I feel ashamed
and I am nervous about how they might think of me.
“I had one girlfriend who never knew about it. I was hiding something
from her the whole time. I felt guilty and it may have been partly because
of HIV we split up.”
Terry, 45, HIV negative
“I would treat nondisclosure of a positive status as a direct personal
assault, and would violently react with any means at my disposal - both personal
and legal. The fact safe sex may have been practised is immaterial.”
Barti, 27, HIV positive
“I’ve met this guy I really like. We were a bit naughty on the
first night and were going to have sex together. I was diagnosed six months
before and so he would have been the first man I’d told.
“But when it came down to it, I couldn’t tell him - and still
haven’t. The longer I leave it, the more difficult it is becoming. I
really like him and do not want to lose him.”
Helen, 53, HIV negative
“My gut reaction is I’d want to know about it. But when I think
things through, and if it was someone I really like, I would still have a
physical relationship with them. It wouldn’t stop me getting involved.
“It is so hard to meet anyone you really like these days, of course
I wouldn’t hold myself back.”
Making it work
Natalie Spark-duPreez facilitates a support group for couples where one is
positive and one is negative at Terrence Higgins Trust. She says people’s
views don’t always match what they do in real life situations.
“When someone is put in a real situation, with real people, then attitudes
do change.
“It is not all doom and gloom; there are many examples of sero-discordant
couples who make it work,” she says.
“Everyone should be aware of the legal consequences of reckless transmission
and the importance of safe sex. But when entering into a relationship other
feelings come into play that outweigh any negative thoughts. Love can make
a real difference.”
Think before you speak
• Before you tell someone about your HIV status ask yourself why you
are doing it.
• Once it’s said it can’t be unsaid. If possible, make sure
you trust the person. This can be tricky if you’ve only just met.
• If it’s casual sex, you aren’t expecting to see them again
and you intend to be completely safe then what is your motivation? You may
risk rejection and a casual partner is less likely to keep your status a secret.
• On the other hand, telling someone before you have sex may mean less
risk of you being prosecuted if they become infected.
• If you are disclosing because you think they are HIV positive too
you should be prepared to be mistaken or for them to deny it.
• If you live in a small or rural community disclosing your status to
one person can mean everyone ends up knowing.
• That said, rumours can easily spread around your community in a large
city too.
• And don’t think the internet will offer you anonimity - chatrooms
and websites are just the same as small communities and rumours can spread
as easily.
When to tell
• If you are hoping for a relationship you will have to do it sooner
or later. Too soon and you risk rejection; too long and they may feel misled.
• When you think the time is right, tell them in a place where you feel
safe and comfortable.
• Most people don’t know much about HIV so you might have to explain
the basics.
• If you’ve already had sex they may need reassuring that they
haven’t been put at risk.
• Don’t wait till just before or during sex. Good intentions often
fly out the window in the heat of the moment and bringing up a serious issue
is a guaranteed passion killer. The person may resent being pressured into
a snap decision or end up doing something they regret in the cold light of
day.
• Don’t asume if someone starts fucking you without a condom it
means they are negative. Likewise don’t assume just because someone
lets you fuck them without a condom means they are positive too.
Reactions
• Be prepared for them to run away, scream or cry. Also, be prepared
for them to be ok with it - often equally scarry.
• If they respond badly, ask youself if you really want to have a relationship
with someone who can’t see the you beyond the virus you happen to have.
• Everyone has the right not to have sex or a relationship with you
for whatever reason, inluding your status. If they change their mind after
you disclose, don’t be offended. It might hurt, especially if you like
them, but that’s just one of the realities of life with HIV. Remind
yourself it’s their loss.
