Wezi
Thamm Rule of Thamm
DAMNED IF YOU DO...
When is the best time to come clean about my HIV status?
This question constantly arises for anyone living with HIV. But disclosure
isn’t just an issue when you are in a relationship. Worries over disclosure
will deter many from even considering going into a relationship in the first
place.
There is really no way of knowing how the other person will react to the news.
I have experienced for myself how someone who seems open-minded, knowledgeable
and easy-going, and who initially seems OK with the disclosure, sometimes
cannot handle a relationship with an HIV positive person after all. The rejection
and disappointment is very painful.
Some people just freak, maybe because someone has made it very evident how
easy it is to catch HIV or any other STI. Or some freak because it makes them
realise something they only thought happens to other people is nearer to them
than they think.
Whatever the reasons, all this makes it very difficult to decide when to disclose.
There is the “put it off as long as possible then disclose and hope
for the best” approach. This may apply when you think you are on to
a good thing and you want to hold on to it for as long as you can. People
can often feel like this because early side effects of being HIV positive
are voluntary and involuntary isolation.
Others try to avoid the torture and the emotional roller coaster of the above
mentioned approach by ‘doing it right from the beginning’ and
telling from the outset. That way you have lost nothing and can move on easily
if the decision goes against you. 
There are those who make it a habit to have just friendly, platonic relationships
(or so they try) and at the first signs of intimacy find a reason to put an
end or stop to things. Some, even after several negative responses and experiences,
still keep trying. This approach can be very draining on the soul and does
little for one’s often already low self-esteem.
Of course you hear of the few who go off the rails completely and go on a
rampage, not disclosing to anyone, telling themselves they will do to others
what was done to them. In my opinion, this is not only a form of denial but
also the sure road to self-destruction, maybe even jail. Then there are those
who are ‘once bitten, twice shy’ who mostly turn to other people
living with HIV in the hope things will be easier; only to find out this raises
a whole raft of new concerns.
That leaves those who just shut down completely, cut off all form of physical
or sexual contact with others and try to fill their lives with other mental
or spiritual pursuits.
I have often asked myself how I would have reacted to someone disclosing their
HIV status to me before I was diagnosed; if I was on the receiving end of
this information. Honestly? It would have given me a lot of food for thought,
so maybe I do understand being in the other person’s shoes.
It is only because I am in the situation that I am today, where I have been
exposed to the amount of information that I have and knowing what I know now,
I can think rationally about it. That is why I do not always take offence
at people’s reactions and try to pass on the right information.
But having said all that, at the end of the day, it is an individual decision,
in each unique situation. For those who have had things go their way (as in
a relationship), I wish them continued success. And for those who have not
had such a positive experience, keep trying; you never know if your next attempt
might be a positive one. I don’t have an answer to when you should disclose
but uppermost in my mind is the thought that you can’t take it back
once you have said it. So, I suggest giving it careful thought, whatever the
situation. But from my own experience, I know for sure, you are damned if
you do and damned if you don’t.
