Russell Fleet Alive and kicking
Russell Fleet confesses that he has done it again...
No, this is not where I wade into the Britney vs K-Fed dispute. Nor will there be any pictures of me getting out of a car with no knickers on – but only because they’d be nothing compared to my gaydar profile! This is going to mean admitting I was wrong, and it’s not something I like to do, but here goes...
You know those sentimental looking posters with motivational slogans on, say, a lush colour photo of a sleeping kitten with the word ‘Serenity’ above it and a quote like “If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs.” Well, a mate of mine sent me a link to a site which does spoofs of them. One of them was a photo of a ship sinking in a beautiful blue sea with a stunning sunset in the background. It had the title ‘Mistakes’ and the slogan read,”It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” I laughed but then it hit me just how bitingly accurate it was. That’s when I realised that it’s time to ‘fess up. Yes, I’ve messed up, big time.
I’ve got Hepatitis C. Again. Yes, again. I had it last year and successfully completed the treatment. Then barely three months after the all-clear my liver function tests came back all wrong and I’d got it again. Same genotype as before but the chances of rebound a year after completing treatment are roughly the same as that of a virgin birth. So, obviously I’d caught it a second time, exactly the same way as I got it the first. The truth is that I ignored everything I knew consciously about the risks I was taking, about why people do things like that, and what the likely outcome was if I did it, and did it anyway. And now twice. Given both my experience of HIV and what I do for a living I’m not in a position to claim ignorance, but I reckon stupidity just about sums it up.
Ironically, the first time round I got myself in the best shape that I‘d ever been in. During treatment I started going to the gym, sorted out the nutrition and sleep, got off the booze and the Mary Jane and it all left me feeling rather good about myself. So good, in fact, that I decided to go out and share it with a bunch of random guys doing what got me the Hep C in the first place! I think I know why too. I got complacent. I’d been telling myself that I had got my head sorted about the anonymous party sex thing and thought maybe this time it would be different. Also, the Hep C drugs weren’t too rough on me; once again I appear to be bombproof when it comes to treatments. I’d kept working throughout, had a few ups and downs but coped really well. And maybe that’s the problem; I just had it too easy.
Well, this time round it’s really made me stop and think. If that’s what my life is all about - one public blunder after another - then let’s make it worth something, and take advantage of my privileged position to serve as a warning. In the past I’ve been an avid supporter of people’s right to make their own choices as long as they’re prepared to accept responsibility for the consequences, by which I mean poz-on-poz barebacking. That hasn’t really changed as a principle, but the practical application of it has been tempered with the knowledge that sometimes the consequences are a lot tougher than you think. And I don’t so much mean the physical issue of having Hep C; it’s the cold hard fact that all along I’ve been doing the classic “I want my life to be different but I don’t want to change” routine. It was all about approval seeking, and it’s a self-destructive pattern I’ve been running for far too long.
But if my life is like the poster, at least there’s a lifeboat next to the sinking ship. I just finished a show with the community theatre group. It was gruelling; three months of evening and weekend rehearsals and three weeks of dress, tech and production – two months of it while doing Hep C treatment again. At times it was all I could do to crawl out of bed and sit in work, hoping I’d wake up by curtain up. But what I learned from doing the show is that I can get plenty of approval with my clothes on and not catch anything worse than a slight cold from the cast! +
