Sex, he found, was a major issue among the people in his study. "Some had negotiated open
and some had closed relationships," he says. "But we did find
there was a lack of communication around sex, especially after diagnosis.
"There is also the problem of being the one who is cared for and
the one who is the carer. That relationship can become problematic, because
instead of a loving relationship of equal status, the power shifts."
The study also found that there were often big differences over how each
partner saw the future.
"The partner who doesn't have HIV would be planning for retirement,"
says Palmer. "The HIV positive partner would feel excluded from that.
In fact, the positive partner tended to reassure his HIV-negative partner
that everything would be all right. But the negative partner would often
get resentful and angry, feeling they were less in denial about the future."
Two of the HIV-negative partners felt so strongly about the differences
between them that they actively sought, consciously or unconsciously,
to become HIV-infected. "But the HIV-negative men would go outside
the relationship to have unprotected sex, not wanting to blame the partner
for the infection," explains Palmer.
He points out that there is a lack of support and resources for the partner
without HIV. "There was often a sense of helplessness for the negative
partner, not being able to do anything to cure their partner."
It wasn't all doom and gloom however. Although HIV added extra uncertainty
into their lives, people of different HIV status tended to appreciate
each other more, especially after a recent diagnosis or illness. "And
being in a relationship helped the positive
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partner with disclosing their HIV status to family or friends," Palmer concludes
