comfort. I knew very little about HIV at that time, beyond the British prevention advertising campaign with the heavily-featured tombstones, so I associated being HIV positive
with imminent death. I asked the doctor how long she
thought I had. "Oh, about four years," she replied, backing
out of the door.
I spent the next few weeks alternating between the numbness of disbelief
and gut-wrenching anguish. My primary concern was for my two children,
who were four and six years old at the time. I was convinced that I would
die before they were adults and felt incredibly cheated, as well as guilty
for the impact this would have on their lives. I was also terrified of
the stigma they would face if my diagnosis became known in the small community
in which we lived. In a nearby village in Louisiana, an HIV positive mother
and child had been harassed to such an extent that they were forced to
move out of the area.
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My husband did a home HIV test (widely available in the
USA), that also came back as positive, but he wouldn't see a doctor, petrified
of being 'on the records' as HIV positive.
I found an organisation 100 miles away called The No Aids Taskforce who
were able to monitor my CD4 and viral load tests free of charge and offer
some advice on finding local support groups and doctors. There was very
little available in my area - I attended a support group once, but found
it terrifying. Everyone else in the group had had Aids-defining illnesses
and appeared ravaged by sickness and medication. No one worked, apart
from the person who sat next to me, with an oozing skin condition and
persistent racking cough - he delivered pizza.
I had no health insurance so had to pay to visit an HIV specialist. The
doctor was very abrupt and Draconian, insisting that it was imperative
that I started treatment immediately (despite having a CD4 count above
600), informing me this would cost me in excess of $10K each year. It
was only through
my mother taking out a subscription to Aids Treatment Update in England and sending it over to me, that I realised that the treatment advice in the UK was very different and people
