Another forbidden attachment.
To be white and an activist on behalf of the repressed
black population was considered to be the worst form of treachery possible
by the white oligarchs who ran the country.
I was still forbidden to talk about the birth. So began my first real
experience of Silence = Death. I think the experiences of that time directly
attributed to my acquiring HIV. A chronic lack of self-respect and no
ability to communicate my deepest fears. I tried to lose myself in the
pursuit of love and approval through inappropriate relationships, and
inappropriate drug use. I lost my pride.
It is only now that I have completely got it back. I have pride in my
marriage. I have pride in my single-handed bringing up of my second
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daughter. I am proud of the way I have handled my diagnoses
of HIV and Aids and, maybe most importantly, proud of the fact that I
have dealt with my anger at my Mother and am finally able to cry.
I cried to the Universe yesterday for my daughter. "Just let me know
if she is OK. What kind of life has she led? And please, if it's ever
possible, let me be able to explain to her what happened, let me be able
to tell her how much I wanted to keep her."
I know that as she was adopted I am not allowed to track her down. Since
her 18th birthday I have been waiting for her to find me.
To be forced to be silent about our painful experiences in life leaves
us open to things like HIV. It used to be the HIV slogan - HIV = SILENCE
= DEATH. It could also be FORBIDDEN PAIN = SILENT DEATH.
