In Armistead Maupin's wonderful 'Tales of the City' series of novels, one of the characters talks of feeling a little "gayed out". Sick of standing in bars in the right gear, owning an array of different coloured jock straps, the endless trips to Gran Canaria, all those rainbow flags everywhere. Sounds familiar? Have you ever felt "over it"?
One of my recent in-depth conversations with my father also got me thinking. He implied that sometimes he feels sorry for me. Not that he cares that I am gay, I was meant to understand, but that it must be awful for me - being 'different' from everyone else, not having the love of a good woman, and now on top of it all, being HIV positive. What a tragedy! Life must be so difficult for his son!
I sat open-mouthed at hearing this other person's perception of what gay life is like. Many of the issues that have worried him had never even crossed my mind. Parents want their children to be decent members of society. The trouble is, that to my father's generation, being gay meant that you were not a 'decent' human being. Although his perceptions have changed over the years, he still believes that I must carry a huge amount of sadness about my own homosexuality. Not likely! I thought. The only thorn in my side about being gay is that I am being pitied by my father.
Or is it? It set me thinking. Is life really easier if you are straight?
Perhaps
I've had more luck than a lot of people. Existing in my little London bubble,
it's easy to forget that being openly gay isn't as simple for those elsewhere
in the country.
And how about those of us who are HIV positive? Imagine how different life would be if we all lived in the small towns we were born in (in my case, Ayr). Having swung open the heavy doors of the gay closet, it would take immense strength to come bursting out of the positive one. In major cities we are lucky to be surrounded by an abundance of diverse lifestyles and support networks.
And then there is that feeling of being "over it". Well, I have to admit it's begun to feel recently that gay culture can encompass your entire life. You work out in a gay gym, you drink in gay bars, you shop in gay stores, eat in gay restaurants and surf the net in gay chat rooms. When I visited San Francisco, I even withdrew money at the gay bank, and washed my clothes at the gay launderette.
Everything can so quickly become a pink whirlwind of promiscuity and superficial relationships. And before you know it, you are having pipe dreams of a loving husband and two-point-four children, even though in reality most gay men think that monogamy is something you make furniture out of.
One of my best straight friends came to me one day and said, "Oh it's awful, I slept with this girl on Saturday night, but I don't really want to see her again. I feel terrible" - and I realised that gay men have the opposite problem. Casual sex is so commonplace; sometimes it's difficult to broach the subject of turning a one-night stand into something more.
We are at our best when we have a good balance in our lives. If we have experienced a lot of homophobia and rejection, it's easy to turn to all things gay in order to feel accepted. But perhaps that is letting the homophobes get the better of us.
Why should we confine ourselves just to gay ghettos? Thankfully the world is evolving and attitudes are changing, but we need to keep educating those around us who, like my dad, are genuinely fighting old deep-rooted beliefs.
When I get tired of seeing tattoos and muscles around every corner, or when I hear one Pet Shop Boys song too many, it's the same as when married guys get tired of the pressures of family life and the lack of freedom it can bring. Everything in moderation is the key./p>
Sometimes I do feel a little "gayed out". But if I had my life over again, I would definitely choose to be gay a second time.
