LOVE'S UNEASY RIDERS

Stephanie Jones, freelance health promotion advisor describes the issues that worry positive women most:

"I did some workshops last year at Positively Women around sex and sexual health for women. These were their main concerns:

Condoms are difficult to talk about: Women were very concerned about how they were viewed if they insisted on using condoms. They were worried that men would read things into them even talking about condoms. Some women also didn't enjoy sex as much using condoms. Also dry sex is a real issue for some communities because they prefer this kind of sex. Condoms are not as safe or easy to use without lubes.
Men are careless: Many women were concerned about the apparent carelessness of men. But I don't think it's a witchhunt. It's more a matter of fact.
No sex: Recently-diagnosed women will say they won't have sex ever again. But you'll find they work through this after a while.
Disclosure is a nightmare: This came up time and time again. There are big issues in the African community around a woman meeting an African man who is untested. If the relationship ends, he might tell others about her status. Some sought a positive man more because of this pressure of disclosure. But then equally, some women enjoyed relationships with negative men and felt that it wasn't an issue if someone really cared about them. It's surprising that a lot of positive women don't particularly seek out a relationship with a positive man.
Body image paranoia: The changes due to drug side effects in body image were a big concern. Black women are prized for having a fuller figure - the coca cola bottle shape! When women go on HIV medication, they often experience body changes - developing big bellies, strange lumps on their backs and skinny legs. This was a real worry for women. Also how to explain these within the community. If you're not pregnant, how do you justify these body transformations? In black communities your body image is like public property.
How to meet partners: This was an issue for women, but most felt they could use the small ads in PosNation - popular and successful - as well as the usual social venues and meeting places.

We plan another series of workshops at PW this Spring because the last went so well. We'll start with anatomy and physiology. We'll talk about what sex is, if it's pleasurable, and so on. I try and make the sessions as enjoyable as possible; we look at sex toys, music, food, yes bananas, cucumbers, and chocolate sauce! And of course cover the issues of condoms, femidoms, disclosure and body image. But women really get into the fun aspect."

Contact Beulah Gordon at PW for details of workshops. Similar mixed workshops are also planned at the Globe Centre. Tel PW: 020 7713 0222.

Simon Mwendapole, African community consultant, describes the most common concerns for positive men:

"Most of the men I talk to are over 35. Being an older African man and having HIV does make you apprehensive about sex:

Condoms = unfulfilled sex: The feeling from a lot of men is you can't sustain an erection when using a condom. This is the most common complaint: lack of sustainability in relationships and the inability to enjoy sex to the maximum when using condoms. The first round is usually enjoyable but the following proves very difficult to keep up the thrill! We have to encourage men to have lower expectations. There's always a 'climbdown' with condom use.
Condoms are only for older men: In the African community, condoms tend to be introduced at adulthood or at HIV diagnosis. Consequently though, older men are beginning to understand the issues. There's also a problem where a woman, despite knowing a man's status, will maybe want a child and wearing condoms becomes an issue. The younger men seem very unaware of all the issues, and need older role models.
Pressure and criminalisation from women: We men are reluctant to go and get tested and do get pressure from our women. If it gets out you've infected a negative woman, then you'll be 'criminalised' in the community.
Myths abound: As a community leader, women come to me and say: "my husband can't wear a condom or take this because of his faith." And it's often worse with women because they think that after having a baby who is born negative, they suddenly become healed of HIV. They'll say: "God cured me by giving me a negative baby". When it's just because of having a Caesarean section.
Disclosure is a nightmare: In casual sex it's difficult to trust the partner and therefore disclosure is often ignored. In longer relationships it's easier handled if the woman is positive too.
Positive men seek out positive women: If you're a positive man it's easier to have sex with a woman who's positive. The blame culture in the African community has grown so much that men are now very much aware that they will be criminalised for passing on HIV. So now men if at all possible will stay clear if they know a woman is negative. It's not only because of fears of infecting a negative person, but also because a positive man will feel a positive woman will understand the issues that he's going through; the difficult moods, feeling ill, etc.
Where can you meet positive partners? Most men find support groups are definitely the best way or at clinics. I've often heard it said: "When you are in the GUM you know who you are!" Small ads and using the internet doesn't usually reveal a true mate."

Forthcoming in PN: Problems of sexual and erectile dysfunction.

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