'Long
Life, Love and LONELINESS'When I was 60 I threw a tea party. I do not normally do parties and if I go to parties I do not stay long. However I had a party in a gay bar one afternoon with refreshments and about 35 people came, one from over 100 miles away. Although I have always thought of myself as being loner, I did not feel lonely that day.
But, my main problem in life does seem to be loneliness, not HIV.
I came out at 40 and thought that I would soon find love. Sex I have had, but love is much more difficult and the last 20 years have often felt extremely lonely. The longest affair I had lasted about a year.
When I came out I had custody and care of my children from a previous relationship, so I did not have lots of free time for the gay scene. I tried cottaging. On one occasion I was arrested by a gratifyingly attractive policeman I'd been attracted to and I was appalled at committing an immoral act. But I have never really felt that looking for love is immoral, despite being aware that I was breaking the existing law. On that occasion, I didn't protest but felt sad that no one seemed to care about the lack of love in my life.
I am in love with someone at the present, but it is an odd sort of relationship. He contacted me via the internet and we met in the Netherlands and have been in touch ever since and we genuinely seem to love each other. However he is a Roman Catholic monk and he has had to go back to his own country in the Far East. I suspect one of his motives was the discontent he had with celibacy, but I respected his decision on this issue.
For some reason I do not feel that I have been able to enlist any loving support from HIV and other support groups which I have used. They are friendly and welcoming but I hardly ever meet anyone who shares my deeply felt interests in attitudes. I do not need most of the HIV services that are available. Anonymous messages only remind me of my loneliness. So does talking therapy. So does Buddying, and the 'vague acquaintance' social support that is on offer. I do not find it easy to fit in or join in.
I have sometimes wanted to go to various groups of people and brainstorm my situation but do not really trust anyone or group I know. I even attended an Aids Mastery weekend but this didn't seem to make any significant change on my inner sense of loneliness.
I have come across others who are very lonely and find the HIV social support network is not really helpful. For those who find the existing support useful, that is fine. I don't, so for that reason perhaps it doesn't work for me.
Perhaps there are people much younger than me who have the same sense of loneliness and isolation too? Perhaps they also find the loneliness more distressing than the HIV diagnosis and treatment?
Personal adverts, internet contacts, dating agencies, gay support groups, general leisure activities - I've tried them all and remain alone and, I'm afraid to say, my need for love remains more or less unfulfilled.
Sometimes I am happy to be on my own and get on with my reading, thinking, writing and my cultural pursuits, but sometimes the loneliness produces suicidal thoughts. Twice I have tried to kill myself - both occasions motivated by a severe sense of unsolvable loneliness.
So it seems that for me there is something worse than being HIV positive.
