You know those weeks when everything goes wrong? I’m having one of those months. Despite doing tons of work on my ‘inner self’, I am hounded by that horrible issue: money! My overdraft is over its limit, my credit cards are maxed out, and my cash flow is not flowing. I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention. I’ve taken to doing seventy Louise Hay style “rich and prosperous” affirmations daily. I’m thirty years old, reasonably intelligent, and willing to work hard at something I like. I ask myself, how did I get in this situation? I came to London thinking that the streets were paved with gold, and found that they were merely littered with G.A.Y flyers.
Ok, over the last ten years I haven’t chosen the greatest profession in the world with which to make money. I spent three years sweating it out at drama school (you know, the kind you saw in ‘Fame’, where that woman used to beat the stick on the floor and say, “Right here’s where you start payin’” - in sweat!) What a tough profession that is. I’ve done countless jobs over the years, some on stage, some on a cruise ship, on tour living out of a suitcase, not to mention all the rubbish you have to do in between times while ‘resting’. And I seem to have reached a point in my life where I just want to stay in one place, and not work at anything that doesn’t bring me joy.
I had a sudden realisation last week that I am a textbook HIV diagnosis case. Consciously I feel fine, but perhaps there is something going on in my subconscious that I really hadn’t bargained for. Voices in my head tell me, “Spend money now and don’t worry about tomorrow!” “Don’t stick out that job, even though you need the cash - just leave!” “Live every day like it’s your last!” These thoughts are really without substance, as I have a very low viral load, and my CD4 count often lies around the 1000 mark. Now you all have T-cell envy. So there is a strong possibility I will die a very old man. Yet, since my diagnosis nearly three years ago, I have been a financial disaster. I wonder how many other people have a similar story?
So what to do next? If I don’t feel like working, I could always go on HIV benefits. But I know the trap I have found myself in, just claiming dole money and housing benefit. This government’s ‘all or nothing’ scheme is no incentive for someone who feels like they want to work, but would rather avoid the stress of a full-time job. Personally, I think doing nothing would be as bad for my health as working myself into the ground.
Perhaps all this money worry is causing my recent lack of energy. I decided to make an appointment with my HIV doctor to talk it over. I stood in disbelief as the receptionist at Mortimer Meat Market doggedly flicked through the computer booking system... “Nothing in a fortnight.... Or the next week... Or the next... How about seven weeks on Thursday?”
So,
now I can’t even see my doctor when I need to, and that makes me feel very
alone. Sounds crass, but loads of people are testing positive and very few are
dying, so there is no longer a turn-over of patients. Great news we are all hanging
in there, but not great that so many are joining the club. If we keep going at
this rate, soon the whole of Old Compton Street will be one big HIV clinic.
I have so much to be thankful for, but right now is a difficult patch. I’m trying to make long-term plans, and have an interview for university next week. But it doesn’t come easy. Sometimes all I want is to forget my worries and go on huge shopping sprees and glamorous holidays. Thinking of the future has been difficult for me since testing positive, but thankfully I have a great chance to live a long and happy life. I don’t want to waste it.
