BARING OUR SOULSBarebacking. Rubberless sex. Crazy, sexy, cool? Or stupid, 'cos of the health risks? Two gay men (why don't they call it 'barebacking' when it's heterosexual?) Phil Baker (HIV negative) and Edwin J Bernard HIV positive) give the reasons why they've decided not to ditch the rubbers
Phil Baker:I nearly did it last week. Yes. I came that close. I don't quite know how I feel about it now. After 15 years of bucolic promiscuity I was that close to having unprotected sex for the first time. Why? I dunno. I have shocked some of the most battle-weary counsellors at the Chelsea and Westminster with the number, variety and frequency of my sexual partners. It's been a point of pride to see their eyebrows shoot up as they filled in the form. And yet I have never shagged without a condom. I've always been a little intolerant when I've asked friends why, given all that they know, they continue to have unsafe sex. Answers such as "the sensation", " it feels better", "it's less fuss" I've greeted with derision, to be honest. Like someone who has never smoked, I could not understand what I was missing, and what they felt they were gaining at such risk. Answers such as "it is more real", "it's sincere and intimate" and "it's an expression of trust" intrigued me. They brought into question the stereotype that promiscuous sex and emotion could not exist together. However, I recently ended a four-year relationship. I felt rejected, unattractive, lonely, and combined with other health and career disappointments, was at the "What's the point?" stage of early depression. Then I met this guy. Big, sexy, mature, fun - a physical photo-fit of my fantasies. The sex was great, the talking was great. We ached to see each other again, and again. As the friendship built and we spent longer and longer together, we became friends. The sex went off, decaying into a memory of sparking, static intensity. And then one night it clicked again. It was intense and tingled with the shared euphoria that it had not gone. That was when I would have said yes to barebacking. The decision to use a condom was entirely his. Not mine, not that time. I've started to question my easy responses to others who considered barebacking an integral part of their life. Sex isn't like anything else. When you need it and you get it - your whole mood, life and esteem is lifted. You feel successful, fulfilled, complete, happy. When you need it and you don't get it, you feel worse. You decline in morale, you become desperate, you will try harder, do more, and the number of things you will do to get yourself laid increases. This is where the barebacking debate REALLY enters our lives. At that point there. Most safer sex campaigns are directed at us negative people. We innocent, vulnerable Bambis of the sexual forest..., we must protect ourselves, not take risks and thus avoid the assumedly terrible fate that has befallen our positive brothers. Perhaps that most of these campaigns have been conceived by positive men for negative men is a lesson? |
Edwin J Bernard:On my Gaydar profile I celebrate that I've lived with HIV for 20 years, not because I want to bareback, like many pos guys do, but because I don't. Why? The bottom line is I've fought damn hard to stay alive and I don't want to compromise my good health by doing something I feel is too risky. I don't just limit taking care of myself by making sure I use a condom when I fuck. I respect myself and other gay men and don't just think of them (or myself) as shags. I avoid getting overly drunk or chemmed up (I like to remember the night before, and don't want to take stuff that interferes with my HIV meds, which leaves only poppers and the odd joint). I've started to use barriers for rimming after I recently picked up both Cryptosporidium and Giardia (have you ever worn adult nappies?). I limit backroom encounters to being sucked, again with a barrier, which makes them pretty unsexy, so I don't do backrooms much. Oh, and if I were into fisting (or being fisted) I'd use gloves. Now, I do manage to have plenty of fun (believe me!) and I am not judging, condemning or feeling superior to anyone. So why don't I bareback? Well here's a conversation I had on Gaydar recently with someone I'll call sophistipoz. He'd lived with HIV just six months less than me, and he sometimes barebacks, like many sorted positive gay guys I know. <rubcubuk> Hope you don't mind me asking. I don't do BB with other positive guys because of infections like syphilis and hepatitis C (also from fisting without gloves) and the possibility of superinfection with drug-resistant HIV strains. I notice you do BB, and basically wondered why. <sophistipoz> No don't mind you asking. I put that on my profile to be honest. Every now and then I do like to BB. I'd never dream of forcing it on others and only ever do it with guys who are also positive - and yes, I know that doesn't mean it's therefore risk free. I would never come inside someone, and know that doesn't equal 'safe' either. Many guys have quite different versions of BB. I've heard of guys having conversion parties. I've been asked by someone to infect them (they were feeling left out!) And many guys I know feel under huge peer pressure during a party to be totally unsafe. But, wise choice or not, I do BB now and then. <rubcubuk> I wonder if the reason some neg guys BB is so that they can 'get it over with'; become poz and then BB without worry. Are we giving out a subtle message that becoming poz is the best option for gay men these days? I wonder if the HIV/AIDS industry has spent so much time making us feeing good about ourselves, they've undermined the safer sex message? <sophistipoz> I think that sort of talk is very provocative in our complacent scene. It would save far more lives than inane 'Play Safe' advertising campaigns. |
Six sanity checksPhil Baker gives you some things to think about before ditching the rubbers Badder bugsThere are loads of different strains of the HIV virus. Many have resistance to different drugs. If you come into contact with someone else's HIV, it will almost certainly be a different strain - and increasingly likely to be resistant to one, or many drugs. 'Superinfection' with drug-resistant HIV has been conclusively proved to have happened in several cases, and is probably more common than we thought. Get one, your drug combination may suddenly stop working. Worth the risk? Clap Clap ClapGonorrhoea (clap) is just one of the sexually transmitted infections. Others are syphilis, herpes, chlamydia, genital warts. Some, like the genital wart virus, seem to affect positive people more severely. Some are becoming resistant to standard antibiotics. And nearly all - with herpes and syphilis especially implicated - make it easier to both get and give, HIV. Barebacking increases the risk of you getting a dose. The bloody menace - hep CThis bastard is something you really do not want to get! It is now probably a greater threat to life and health than HIV in the UK. Why? Because we don't have the relatively effective antiretrovirals we have for HIV. Hep C by itself may lead to liver failure in 20, 30 years. But add it to HIV and you're looking at 10, 12 years. And it makes HIV drugs much less easy to tolerate - with the result that hep C-related liver failure is the most common cause of death among HIV positive people in parts of the developed world these days. Hep C is a tougher organism than HIV and lasts longer out of the body. Previously thought only to be passed on through needles, blood transfusions, etc, we're now seeing increasing reports of it being passed on through sex, particularly among gay men. It's still argued how often it's passed on through regular fucking but anything that involves sex and blood - fisting, big toys, certain S&M scenes - are big hep C risks. So, probably, is rimming. People have even caught it through sharing notes to snort drugs. If you are HIV positive you should be tested for Hep C regularly. Avoid it by using condoms, using gloves for fisting, not sharing sex toys, and avoid rimming if you can. Hep C can often be cured if caught early enough, but the treatment gives you murderous flu symptoms, depression, diarrhoea, the works, for a whole year. Still not worried? Lock downThe 2001 Scottish case where a positive man got five years for infecting his girlfriend set a legal precedent for the UK, though there has not yet been a case in England. Remember, however, that if you travel, other countries are considerably less liberal. Sweden, Norway, the USA and Australia have all severely punished HIV positive people who have infected their partners - in a Swedish case the guy got a life sentence. And guys from those countries over here may not exactly be calm and understanding if you infect them either. Formally incorporating some kind of 'reckless infection' charge into English or EU law is under consideration. Five years for a fuck! And you know what? Prison ain't like the Jeff Stryker vid. Do unto othersPassing on HIV takes two people: him and you. Try and remember how you felt when you found out you were positive. Now imagine doing that to the person you are sharing your bed with. A positive diagnosis is a shock. It affects how you see yourself, the world and others. Whether he is a lover or someone you will never see again, knowing that you have infected someone else is bad for your self-esteem. It messes with your head. Us 'n themFirst you come out, then you get positive. Now you're the New Cool. These days, unprotected sex has trendy brand names - barebacking, raw, bb. Gaydar palare: "Chem fuelled tina ff bb only" sounds cool, cutting edge, hard, masculine. "Rather not say" sounds mysterious, not stupid. As a positive man you are probably older, more experienced, certainly more worldly, and possibly more confident and better looking than the average male sitting on the Northern line. Believe it or not, younger guys look up to you, respect you, and want to be like you. Just as they will mimic your brand name t-shirts, shaved head, one-liners and leather jackets, they'll follow your example in the sack. Is that what you want? Do you care? Do you wish a guy had warned you about what HIV was REALLY like years ago? Do you really give a damn? Think about it. |
