Ok, I’m going to say something quite controversial now, and you are all to stay calm and not write in complaining or telling me I’m evil.
Lately I’ve realised that sometimes I myself, and others, actually enjoy the fact that we are HIV positive.
There, I’ve said it. Chances are that if that statement made you really angry, you may be one of those people who, like me, occasionally indulge in...the great and enjoyable drama of it all.
It takes a great deal of honesty for me to write this, so I hope you’ll at least appreciate me for that. On the recent ‘A Healing Journey’ course I wrote about last month, I discovered that I am not alone in sometimes allowing myself to dramatise my illness. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that people violently ill through HIV and Aids are sitting shivering and having the time of their lives because they are getting some attention...No!
But talking with a group of gay men, some of whom are HIV positive, I found others who had similar thoughts and feelings when it came to their diagnosis. One guy on the course told me about a previous hospital drama, where he lost all his weight and almost died, yet could still admit to embracing the tragic and dramatic air it brought to his life.
I was quite shocked at the honesty of some of these confessions, but looking ‘inward’, I can admit to similar feelings myself. I wonder how many of us are the same?
Earlier I said that sometimes we ‘enjoy being HIV positive’, but perhaps the phrase ‘indulging the drama’ is more correct. Humans often indulge in dramas - it’s only natural.
But there is a danger that this indulgence can soon take over.
The power of the subconscious is a strong one. As an example I used my current financial plight. If I am forever telling myself that I am poor, my mind will set about making sure that I am poor. It’s that simple.
Perhaps this is why some of us suffer such rapid declines in health, and others stay strong and well, year after year. If someone were to spend every day telling themselves and others they were ill and indulging themselves in the drama of their ‘difficult condition,’ perhaps their bodies would respond by creating exactly what they are telling their minds.
For me, the most important lesson is to gauge your health, not by numbers that doctors write on bits of paper, but by the way you feel. Of course, I don’t mean you should ignore the doctor when he says you have one T-cell left. But why get bogged down with the worry that can be planted in your poor brain, when otherwise you are feeling fit and well? I am constantly trying to find a healthy balance between monitoring my HIV, but not really thinking about it too much.
I am starting to recognise when I allow myself to ‘fall into’ the drama of it all. Two years ago a contract in a job was not renewed when I told my employer and colleagues that I was HIV positive. Part of the reason I told them was because I felt that I didn’t want to tell a lie when I went for a hospital appointment; but I can admit that a part of me also enjoyed the reaction that the news brought. It made me feel ‘special’ or ‘different’ from the others. Perhaps another way I enjoy the drama of my HIV is also by writing this column.
Indulging a bit of drama is natural. But are you one of those people who just can’t wait to steer the conversation round to your dwindling CD4 count - when actually it is soaring? Or how your latest batch of medication is failing - when in fact it’s keeping you alive, kicking, bright eyed and shiny-coated?
Then perhaps you might want to consider the implications of feeding this negative information into your subconscious. Sure, enjoy the drama, but don’t get so caught up in it that you’re not around for the curtain call.
