When you look at the ever-growing number of gay men who are becoming regulars on the favourite internet cruising ground, it is interesting to observe the percentage of guys who categorise their safe sex habits as “Sometimes” or “Never”. On closer inspection, it is even more interesting to discover that the very same men are often the ones who advertise their recreational drug-taking as “Socially” or “Often”!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not preaching, in fact I’m one of those guys, and I consider myself to be a sane and rational human being. So what’s the deal? Does dropping half a pill or sticking powder up our nose, suddenly mean that we don’t care about anything else in the world? That we don’t care about ourselves?
Or is it really that drug-taking opens your mind to a new way of living? Perhaps refusing to live with fear? Maybe some of us are making ridiculous snap decisions on our wellbeing, but maybe others have really thought deeply and carefully on this subject, and feel that by choosing to perform sex more ‘naturally’ for want of a better word, they are following their deepest intuition.
My HIV diagnosis was about a year after I first took the drug, GHB. I’m not saying that it’s the drug’s fault I am positive, but it just took the edge off my awareness. It gave me a feeling of being so sexually driven; I can remember the fear of doing something new and ‘dangerous’ turning to sheer excitement. Of course, everyone is different, but maybe, just maybe, this drug is one of the reasons that we are seeing a surge in positive diagnosis. My decision to ‘bareback’ at this point, certainly was not a calculated and informed decision. It was a careless, throwaway attitude, because I was feeling down on myself and I stopped caring.
So many people seem to be talking about ‘barebacking’ at the moment. My attitude on this subject is ever-changing. I think it is very important that everyone knows and understands what they may be letting themselves in for. But I also feel there is another very important message that should be circulated. Spreading fear is not going to help anyone. Let’s take the facts. HIV and Aids have been around for a long time now. We know the risks; we know how to prevent the virus from entering our bodies. We also know that for those of us who already have it, it makes great sense not to complicate things further with other STDs or possible other strains. Yet so many people continue to enjoy sex without protection.
When you take the anger and fear out of the situation, all that this tells me is that the driving force within us, the sexual urges and the desire to ‘mate’, are far stronger than anything else. The power of The Universe, which drives us all, far outweighs the strength of any words a doctor or health advisor can give you.
Everyone has a different opinion on safe sex issues. I agree with my fellow PN writers’ articles, when they say that we should be setting a good example to the younger ones among us. Young guys must understand that it’s not ‘cool’ to be positive. What I do however find extremely damaging, is the note of disdain that can sometimes come from those who choose to keep sex safe, towards those who have chosen something different. It is a very personal choice, and I do not think we should underestimate the destructive power of fear spread from one person to another. I now believe that spreading fear is as destructive as spreading the virus itself.
I think it’s so important to love and respect the people around you, whatever choices they make in sex. Remember that HIV is a virus. It’s no one’s fault. No one is to blame. While I would support safe sex practices wholeheartedly, I think it’s also important that for those of us who choose something different, to know that they are just as loved and supported. Stick firmly to your own beliefs and decisions, and support others in theirs. That’s the best we can do.
