‘PARENTS
IN NEED’Hello again my esteemed readers. In this issue I am going to write about support. Not income support from the Department of Social Security but support that we expect or are entitled to from our close relatives and friends.
I will start by first defining it the way I understand it. Support is help that comes in by way of showing care, listening and understanding one’s situation especially in the HIV world. This support is two-way and can sometimes be there and at times not be there, due to reasons that I will try and share with you. I will show how lack of it can affect a person’s life and liberty in their home life.
Lately, I have been doing the unusual: traditional African marriage and family counselling. I know some of you will ask what counselling can Simon do when he has several children from different women? Well the issue that came up in most of my sessions was the issue of support within the family especially from children themselves. I’ll explain.
Some time in July, I was woken up by a phone call just slightly after midnight by a woman crying that her son was terrorising her. My first reaction was to calm her and assure her that I would make myself available the next day if she wanted to visit me. She was so anxious, that she insisted that I travel to her house there and then, which was the other side of London. Somehow this made me nervous. Still from the way she spoke on phone my instinct told me she was in trouble and needed help. I decided to travel to her house right away.
When I arrived, I discovered that the root of her problem was indeed her son. The boy was constantly demanding expensive sports wear from the little benefits his mother received. Each time the poor woman tried to explain her difficult financial situation, the boy would go ballistic (get very annoyed) and terrorise her so much that she was even afraid to visit the toilet for fear of meeting him in the corridor!
When challenged, the boy explained to me that he was simply following the example of our famed football star, David Beckham. That’s why he always wanted ‘new kit’ as they call it.
I confronted the boy with proof that most of Beckham’s sports wear is promotional stuff which is supplied free and that the only way he would be able to enjoy this luxury was if his mother also started playing football so she could receive goodies from sports companies.
In
the end, the boy climbed down from his difficult position and said he would
try to support his mother by understanding her money problems more in the future.
Now when you look at the above scenario, are we parents to blame or is it our children? This is normally a 50-50 situation because as parents we often don’t inform our kids about our financial woes. All we say is: ‘I want to provide everything and the very best for my child or children before HIV takes me’, and in the process spoil our kids. This is wrong as the child is misguided, and nowadays people are living longer so we have to prepare ourselves for a long haul. If as a parent you clearly state your position, your child will surely understand and give you the support you so much need.
For the children, you need to give your parents all the support for them to live longer on this earth.
This good example reminds me of a case of single parent who confided in me many years ago that whenever he took his daughter to the movie or eat out, she would simply say ‘thank you Dad’ and that inspired my dear big man to live longer. It gives a lot of joy to receive such support from your very own.
My last example is of another woman who told me that her son, 30 years of age, made her breakfast on her 50th birthday while she was still in bed and showed all the love and care that she could every want. This is the best support people like us can possibly get, not always fighting your mum and dad as if it was an offence to have brought you on this earth.
As for those that might have doubted my ability to counsel, I say I gave the woman a listening ear and spoke to her son who has since changed into a very loving and supportive child.
Next month, look out. I will write about our very own brothers: African Gay Men in the UK.
