'DEAR T&A I’M NEWLY DIAGNOSED AND I’M SCARED'Send letters to:
Post: Tokunbo and Alfred, Positive Nation, UKC, 250 Kennington Lane, London
SE11 5RD
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Dear Tokunbo and Alfred, I just found out five days ago I am HIV positive. I’m finding things really hard to cope with. I started feeling run down five weeks ago, with all my glands ballooning and oral thrush. I am just really scared and frustrated. I have to wait four weeks before I can get to the HIV clinic for my CD4 and viral load tests. The fact my body can shift to swollen glands and thrush in five weeks scares me. I am getting worked up in a state; it feels like my body has given up. I’m also afraid about the future, meds, and how long I have left. I find that reading on the net is good but it scares me, too. I have a loving partner of nine years, who has tested negative and is there for me, so I count myself lucky. But he will have to go for another ‘window period’ check up. I just hope he is definitely negative as I don’t want him to feel how I do right now. I can’t take everything in, decide on who to tell, figure out how I can continue working, or whether to do all the things we planned to do together quickly. I need my job to do all the things we had planned but can’t imagine going in and holding down a job when I am in such a state. No one at the GUM clinic can help me medically, just with counselling, so I am stuck in limbo knowing I have something that is serious but not knowing the real picture. Has anyone else been through this? Thanks, Luke x |
Luke,
When so much is changing so quickly in both your body and your mind, it is pretty hard to take in what is happening. There are so many new bits of information, decisions to be made and things to be absorbed. Don’t jump to conclusions about what anything means straight away.
You may find it hard to believe that anyone could get through all this and make a life that is full and meaningful, but believe me, many of us have.
You are actually doing really well, though it may not feel like it. Your own advice, to take decisions one stage at a time, sounds right. Plans that you have made? They can still happen once things have settled down.
Life for many of us takes on a new meaning after diagnosis. Eventually you will look back and think, ‘Wow, did I go through all that?’ Till then, try to take things in as they come.
Support is important and again you are going to the right places - speaking with doctors. I know you have been getting the views of other positive people who have also been in similar situations. That is so important.
Remember you are not 100 per cent responsible for supporting your partner - whatever his test results. Whether positive or negative, he will need support for himself so that you can come through this together with a stronger and richer relationship.
Continue taking each day as it comes and continue getting support...Go well!
Alfred
Hello Luke,
No one who receives an HIV positive diagnosis reacts in exactly the same way. The suggestion I would like to make is to try not to panic. Things will get less intense. Instead of being overwhelmed by an HIV diagnosis, you begin to live with HIV.
Your partner is very much a resource for you. Another person with you is ‘you’ - someone who can remind you of what you really need when you are overwhelmed by what to do.
As a counsellor I do ‘hear’ that the support you are requiring right now is as much medical as emotional, particularly around the changes that your body is going through. You are symptomatic at present, but do not assume that this will continue.
You are not in isolation. People have been in the space that you are in right now and come through it based on the medical support that they have received. As for the ‘meds’ try looking on them as something that may benefit you. I know that starting them will feel ‘scary’ because the effects are ‘unknown’. But so are the effects of not starting. Getting the best information you can handle about the medication and its consequences from your consultant is all you can do.
Wishing you peace, all the best and trust that things will get better.
Tokunbo
