‘WHEN
MAN’S BEST FRIEND GOES MISSING...’Add to the fact of living with HIV not even being able to have sex due to erectile dysfunction, and suddenly this world is not worth living in for a man. Unfortunately, this is just one of the many issues that pop up (or fail to!) for we guys with HIV.
Erectile dysfunction means ‘the inability to have an erection or the inability to sustain an erection during sexual intercourse or sex’. In other words, impotence. For us men it greatly affects our confidence and general outlook on life if we can’t satisfy a woman.
Even today we do not know enough about sexual dysfunction, and myths still continue about impotent men and how they can reverse their inability. Our former home help back in Zambia, Awisi, told me that impotent men should squat next to a brazier in order to generate an erection and then jump on their woman for sex. I believed this for many years, disbelieving only when my own ‘score card’ went up.
This is, after all, one hot issue no man wants to talk about. Even when he’s not scoring, the average guy boasts that he satisfies his woman (or women) and that his sex life is fantastic. Culturally, an African man with a great sexual drive is an envy in the whole village or community. Others say it is a gift from God, as you are able to produce many children and also look after a woman or women for the benefit of many others.
But a man on combination therapy is likely at some point to encounter this problem. I experienced it first hand for a short time and just thought my whole world was collapsing. Fortunately I had support from those closest to me and it helped me get over it. The important factor is to accept that you need help.
A partner’s understanding is crucial. Suspicions grow unnecessarily in a relationship or marriage, even when your woman just looks jolly and smiles constantly. Has somebody already done my woman? Is another man delivering on my behalf?
At this point you could have lost confidence and self esteem. Anger also creeps in and all this may lead to a total breakdown in a relationship and how you view women. It’s even frightening and disconcerting that you can’t have sex when there are all these allegations in the papers of footballers apparently having sex with anyone willing or unwilling who moves!
The
solution is to first discuss it with you partner for her support. She may have
to be prepared to increase those little tokens of love for her African man
to be comfortable and boost that confidence factor.
Secondly, seek an urgent appointment with your clinic. They will refer you to another specialised clinic.
Thirdly, you may have to be patient with the situation. Though there is usually a waiting list for the sexual dysfunction clinic, once you get there, the support is fantastic. The consultant will sit down with you and discuss a number of issues and try to find out more about your past sex life.
For me, it was stress related. I had just come into a new post as Services Development Manager and got fully involved with work. Before seeking an appointment with my doctor at Victoria clinic, I was contemplating travelling to Brixton market to buy myself a brazier for squatting next to!
The other consolation for us men is that even women go through such phases in life. Some time ago as a ‘pleasure man’ I came across women who told me they had no feelings at all. And others would say ‘I am off sex completely’. I would remark and tease them ‘my dear, are you a tree?’ Then I discovered it was more like being a bendy twig!
By the way, after my visit to Victoria clinic I joined the Impotence Association and I am in touch with football legend Pele who is the ambassador on these men’s issues.
Speak to someone about your problem, email me or visit my website at: www.simonmwendapole-hivpromotion.co.uk I might signpost you somewhere for help.
