‘BE
OPEN, BE POSITIVE’In the aftermath of a man receiving an eight-year jail term for infecting two women with HIV, Marcel Wiel argues the case for being open about your status
My rule is, except in the most casual sexual situations (eg a sauna, in which case I’m automatically safe), ideally before I even leave a venue with someone I’ve met that night, I tell them I’m positive.
I enjoy sex a lot and over the years I’ve clocked up a fair old number of partners. But hand on heart I can say in 99.9 per cent of cases, my being positive hasn’t put off people I’ve wanted to have sex with - male or female.
It is so worth coming clean right from the word go. The only thing you risk is a feeling of rejection. But that should never be more important than a prospective sex partner’s right to choose. They have the right to all the necessary information needed to make an informed choice - including not to have sex with positive people if that’s what they want.
And anyway, why should all the pressure of safer sex fall on my shoulders? Safer sex should always be a two-way street.
So this is how I normally tell someone with whom I share a strong mutual sexual attraction about my status:
“Er, I can see where this is going, but I have some important information which I need to share with you.”
(I don’t give them a chance to say anything and carry on)
...“and you have the right to have any reaction you want. Anything you say or feel is absolutely fine by me, but I really feel you need to know this before we go any further.”
(At this stage, they’ve probably guessed.)
...“I’m HIV positive and I felt it was important for you to know this so you could make a proper choice.”
Almost every time I’ve said this, the other person has replied: “Thanks a lot, I’m very glad you told me.” Very often, I’ve been told that it didn’t matter at all, at which point I’ve been on the receiving end of a massive snog.
My experience is that with honesty, I have everything to gain, but with dishonesty, I can risk a lot, because six months into a relationship, revealing such crucial information can wreck trust, a key element of love.
The fact is after sex has taken place, there is no good time to disclose. The best time is right at the beginning. It is the right thing to do and the most moral, respectful and ethical of choices.
And just because I was denied that opportunity when I was infected, it doesn’t mean I have to keep passing on such a shitty decision-making legacy to others, even if only safer sex takes place.
What about the worst case scenario where the other person responds with a “non merci?”. I’m still ahead, because I’ve maintained my self-respect and haven’t lied by omission (it’s worth remembering that lots of infections happen as a result of two people making erroneous assumptions based on what’s not said.)
The other great advantage of being open from the beginning is in the event of the other person (idiotically) asking after sex (duhh) whether I’m positive, I save myself having to put my HIV trainer’s hat on at 4am. After sex, I want a cuddle, a ciggie and a sleep, not to have to deal with the extremely sobering experience of someone freaking out in my living room because they don’t know that (eg) kissing and oral sex is almost totally safe.
This actually brings me to my last point: people who’ve decided not to have sex with me after I’ve told them I’m positive. They’ve all had three things in common: English wasn’t their mother tongue; they came from countries where being gay was a problem; and they had little or no knowledge about HIV.
In all these cases, it took me about a minute to thank my lucky stars I hadn’t had sex with them. Rejection won’t kill me but hepatitis might and someone who knows little about HIV is probably ignorant of lots of other pieces of important sexual health information.
The bottom line is I know HIV in no way affects my worth. A sorted person is a sorted person, and a prat a prat - whether HIV positive or negative.. So I heartily encourage you to accept your (positive) self. Not to seek self-acceptance in the eyes of someone you fancy.
