Lifestyle

Life Coach

Get some “good” support – and offer some in return

We’ve all heard the phase “a problem shared is a problem halved” and many times this is true – simply talking about your issues with friends, family or professional support can go a long way to start to tackle the issue. Not everyone can supply “good” support though. Although they have the best intentions, family, friends and acquaintances can sometimes leave you feeling un-heard and worse than you did before the conversation. In this article, I want to have a look at some of the less-than-perfect responses that you might get when you try to talk to someone, and how you can avoid the same mistakes when they are trying to talk to you.

Let’s have a look at an example. You are not sleeping well and are becoming really fatigued. You want to talk through your concerns and so have gone to a friend to talk it over. Some of the un-helpful responses that you might get include:

“My problem’s bigger than your problem”
For example, if you tell them you can only sleep five hours a night, they say that they can only sleep for four. They try to empathise but ignore your problem because theirs is bigger. They believe that saying that they have the same problem will help you. In some cases it can help to know that others have the same issues, but not if you end up feeling up-staged.

“You call that a problem? Try mine...”
For example, if you tell them you can only sleep five hours a night, they say that they get terrible pain in their feet. They see their painful feet as more important than your lack of sleep. In fact, they think you are lucky that you don’t have these terrible pains. They really want to talk about their issues, not yours.

“That’s really awful. You must be feeling so down. You don’t look well at all....”
After you tell them your problem, they are genuinely sympathetic but drag you down so that you feel worse than you were before! They agree that you have got a problem but then over dramatise it. They point out the problems that you might have due to lack of sleep and make you aware of things that you weren’t even worrying about before. Rather than listening to your concerns about the issue, they are seeing your issue from their perspective.

“Ah well. Never mind. Chin up. Things will be better soon...”
They try to cheer you up but without first really listening and understanding your issues. This might be classed as the traditional British response – stiff upper lip, keep smiling and all that. Put a brave face on and everything will be alright – or so they think.

“Did I tell you that Trixie has had puppies?”
They really mean, “Quick, change the subject, I can’t deal with all this heavy stuff!”
If your “support” is in one of these groups – and I’m sure you can identify some others – then you might want to look elsewhere. You might first try to explain what you really need from them but if they can’t supply that, find someone who can. +

This article is based on one tip taken from Andy’s report “10 tips for living positively with HIV”. If you would like a free copy of the whole report, just send an email to andy@HIVcoach.co.uk

Andy Hilton is a personal performance coach who specialises in working with people affected by HIV. He helps people to clarify where they are today and to get to where they want to be tomorrow. Coaching can be provided to individuals or organisations.

Andy can be contacted at andy@HIVcoach.co.uk or 01931 716735 and you can visit his website at www.hivcoach.co.uk.

Become a better listener

So what do you do when a friend comes to talk to you? Here are a few tips that will help you to give your friend the support that they need:
• If the conversation starts at a time or place that this not suitable for a “good” conversation, tell them that you want to take the issue seriously and then invite your friend to move to somewhere else or offer to meet them at a different time. In a busy pub or at a party might not be the best place to communicate at the level that will really help your friend: Try to find a relaxed, quiet space where you can both concentrate.
• Get them to describe the issue as fully as possible. Keep encouraging them to give more details. Remember to keep your “stuff” out of it – this is their time.
• Ask how they feel about the issue; what emotions are going on for them rather than just the practicalities of the issue. Make sure that they know that it is ok to talk about their frustrations, anger, sadness, etc.
• Ask them what they are doing to try to tackle the issue and encourage them to think of other options. When you have a problem it is easy to go with the first solution that comes into your head, but it might not be the best one. In our example from above, they might consider relaxation techniques before going to bed (e.g. yoga), going to bed earlier or later etc. Once they have thought of as many options as possible, they can then choose which one(s) to try out.
• Check back with them later to see how their issue is going and to offer to talk again of necessary.

By focusing on what the other person is saying it will demonstrate to them that you are taking their problem seriously and are there to help them work through their issue. You do not have to have magical answers; you just have to demonstrate that you care enough to listen.